Badgekissers

The debacle has landed.

2010-09-10T02:09:00.000-07:00

Just when you though that boxing had no further depths to plummet, when the nadir appeared to have been found, when the barrel had been scraped so much that there was next to nothing left of it: Audley Harrison has a shot at the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Could this be the same man who got battered by an Irish taxi driver just a couple of years ago? The same man who has never won domestic honours, losing in the worst British title fight I have ever seen against Danny Williams? The same man who was soundly out-boxed by the mediocre Dominick Guinn? Surely not the same man who was stapled to the canvas by a Michael Sprott left hook? Unfortunately, it is the very same. I don't know who will read this but whoever you are, you are at least as deserving of a title shot. He is quite comfortably ranked outside of the top 10 in all of the major sanctioning bodies - although expect him to be suddenly parachuted in to the WBA list in attempt to justify this pathetic occurrence. It is also a major personal blow to the credibility of David Haye.

I have been a fan of Haye's since his amateur days and was convinced then that he would be a world champion. I travelled to Paris to watch him clinch the Cruiserwight title in epic fashion against the menacing Jean Marc-Mormeck but now I have to say that I have lost a great deal of respect for the man. It is as if he has had an attitude transplant: Haye was willing to face people like Arthur Williams and Carl Thompson very early on in his career. He moved to European level swiftly with the destruction of Alexander Gurov and appeared to be a throwback fighter who wished to excite the fans rather than his manager or accountant. However, there is no excuse for the Harrison fight other than a man who is happy to beat people up for cash.

Apparently it would seem that, if you stand in front of a camera long enough – as Harrison has - saying that being a world champion is your destiny, you become deserving of a title shot. I've wasted my time. I could have apprehended every news interview of the last ten years saying that, 'This is my destiny' much in the same vein as a 16 year old reject from X-Factor, maybe I would have been given a go. Harrison has spent the last 10 years saying, to anyone who would listen, 'They don't give Olympic medals away'. No they don't but then professional boxing is another sport and when you do absolutely horseshit in a 10 year career - after achieving such an Olympic feat - you do not deserve to be given a puncher's chance of winning a world title. I imagine that Harrison's defence on a murder charge would be, 'they don't give gold medals away' or if his girlfriend sulked after a poor bedroom performance he would rebuke her ignorance with, 'but my dear, they don't give gold medals away'.

Harrison has a lot of natural gifts but sadly everything else is lacking. He paws with his jab rather than throwing it, leaving himself open to fast counters, he plods around the ring in straight lines, he has the amateur habit of leaning back to avoid all punches and is notoriously gun-shy which in itself raises questions about his fighting heart.

The newspapers are lauding it as the biggest British fight since Lewis Vs Bruno. That is more an indictment of the poor coverage boxing now receives in the UK than anything else. I can not think of a fight more pantomime than this shambles since Butterbean fought Ray Mercer, or for that matter, Les Dennis Vs Bob Mortimer – at least that was fought with men of comparable ability. I implore people not to watch this fight.

Couture Vs Toney; The Aftermath

2010-09-10T02:08:00.000-07:00

So, in the end, everyone had read their scripts: Toney wound up staring at the ceiling within seconds and Couture had less of a challenge then he does teaching his 11-15 year olds wrestling class. He feinted with his hands from the outset before shooting a very low single leg, moved to full mount and retained the position. From there he executed some ground and pound whilst steering Toney towards the cage. From there he found the opening to establish an arm triangle close to the cage. The debacle came to an end in just over three minutes.

Toney talked afterwards of having mistimed Couture’s shoot, it simply would not have mattered. Couture was an alternate in the US Olympic wrestling team and has been in MMA for over a decade, Toney had trained to stuff shoots for a matter of months: he never saw it coming. The difference between a grappler being put on his back and a man off the street was highlighted in embarrassing fashion for Toney. He looked like Stephen Hawking would if he had fallen out of bed in the middle of the night: his arms flailed around hopelessly whilst his legs remained motionless and uninvolved.

The fight will not enhance Randy’s standings and he is still waiting in line for a return to title contention, an interesting fight with Cro-cop has been touted although a return to the light-heavy scene is more in keeping with the statements that he has made about the heavyweights since losing to Lesnar. For Toney it may have raised his profile somewhat as he has been out of the ring since 2009 and has not fought in a top level fight since losing to Sam Peter in 2007. The media coverage alone could steer him towards bigger fights.

In the main event on the card BJ Penn was soundly beaten by Frankie Edgar. It was an even more convincing performance than the first time around with Edgar taking Penn down early and mixing his attacks up very effectively. He changed his levels and proved to be an elusive target whilst keeping up a high offensive tempo. It was clear that Penn was out of his comfort zone fighting a smaller, faster opponent having spent many of his fights taking on bigger, stronger foes. Edgar won a wide decision, taking every round.

Penn has said that he is looking to return to action sooner rather than later and only time will tell if Penn has seen better days or whether Edgar is just his stylistic bogeyman.

The Natural vs Lights Out

2010-08-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

I thought that the retarded debate between boxing and MMA had drifted into the ether as more boxing fans became aware of what MMA actually consisted of, but alas, the beast has reared its ugly head once more. The ugly head specifically being that of James Toney who has signed a 3 fight deal (3 fights!) with the UFC. He makes his debut on the 28th August against the former UFC light-Heavyweight and Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture. Talk about being thrown in at the deep-end, this is reminiscent of Eric ‘the Eel’ floundering in an Olympic swimming pool some years back.

Just to put the initial premise to bed, a good boxer does not necessarily make a good MMA fighter and vice versa. Why? For the same reason that Roger Federer is not the World Badminton Champion, that is why. Although at first sight there are similarities between the sports, the skill set required to be a champion of either differs vastly and on a multitude of levels and that is why the debate is retarded. Katie Price is apparently pretty good at looking after a horse but don’t expect her to enter the Derby any day soon. Anyone who thinks that a pure boxer will win the UFC title on the grounds that they are a world class striker is an ignoramus.

I personally love boxing, and for that matter James Toney, or ‘Lights-Out’ as he’s known (that’s all my mum ever used to say when I was a kid). His defensive prowess in the ring is unrivalled in modern times and he’s been in there with the best of his generation but I’ve never had a boxing lesson where they teach you how to fight off your back and that would be the undoing of any boxer. Marcus Davis was a pro-boxer but then he isn’t an idiot so he backed it up with a rounded MMA game, training with Pat Miletich’s team. Vitor Belfort has also fought as a pro-boxer before but then he also has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Apparently Toney’s been in training and the rumours are that he even scored a tap whilst sparring with ‘King’ Mo Lawal although that smells somewhat of bullshit to me. However, I genuinely do hope that he has been hiding some wrestling history and perhaps an active interest in MMA for some time but still, going in against Randy Couture in a debut? It unfortunately is set up to be a freak show. Randy will either choose to ‘dirty box’ him against the cage or take him to the floor and pummel him.

My guess is that the fight is happening because it is a great opportunity for the UFC to pick up some more fans as it creeps further into the mainstream and, for that matter, Randy Couture himself - who has Rambo/Rocky/Predator/Terminator 17 to promote. I would hate to see Toney, a legend of his own sport, embarrassed but then, as I’ve tried to point out, just because he has a fat belly does not mean that he has Phil Taylor’s number at the oche and, therefore, just because he can out-strike Evander Hoylfield does not mean he can out-wrestle Randy Couture. David Haye has labelled Toney’s attempt ‘delusional’ but then anyone who has listened to any of his post-fight interviews knows that he’s not the most cerebral man in the world.

It is exciting though, I’m just holding out hope of Frankie Dettori giving it a go next or maybe one of those Loose Women, I’d pay to view that.

AJ

Top 4, Bottom 3

2010-08-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

This is going to be real brief as I’ve given myself no time to rant and rave in between writing my MA dissertation and being an excited little girl about the release of The Expendables. It was awesome, by the way, and you should all go if you want see a proper ‘throwback’ action movie. Anyway…

Top 4

1. Manchester United – so my thought process is a bit different this year as Everton are being genuinely tipped to seriously push for a Top 4 finish, and if we can keep injuries to a minimum, I’m hopeful we can. But as I never like to bet or predict anything involving us, I’ve taken us out of the running for the purposes of this. When it’s a tight title race, and all indications are this will be the tightest, I’m probably always going to opt for Utd. I think this season’s decision is based on thinking Berbatov is still world class and has to come good at some point, and hopefully it’ll be this year. World Cup aside, we know what we’ll get from Rooney; Valencia proved to be a big, albeit different, success replacing Ronaldo; Scholesy has looked imperious in pre-season; and then there’s young ‘Chicharito’, who is their, not so, surprise package. Obviously, the worry is the defence and whether Smalling is good enough to replace Rio when he has to. Stupid as it sounds, but I think having O’Shea will be an added bonus for Fergie. So, on that bombshell, I say Utd will win the league because of the returning John O’Shea.

2. Chelsea – honestly, for me the next three places could be a toss up but I’m going for Chelsea because, essentially, I’m well boring. It’ll be difficult to predict how Man City will do as they’ve clearly got the individuals, but unlike Chelsea in years past (well Mourinho and Ancelotti), they haven’t got the manager to make it all work. Chelsea’s pre-season hasn’t been great, and I didn’t think they looked particularly good winning it last year. Terry’s kind of been found out (in more ways than one) and they seem to rely way too much on Lamps and The Drog. That being said, Malouda stepped up last season and having Essien back is massive, as I assume he’ll be the one driving their Champions League/title challenge. I also hope Ancelotti sticks to his word and gives Daniel Sturridge more minutes as that boy looks like he could be special.

3. Manchester City – my favourite thing about Man City’s buying power is not that they’re a new team in the title mix-up or that they’re bringing in all these new players into English football but that they’ve already replaced Joleon Lescott. The prick. Sorry, that’s a holdover from last season’s opening day. As I said before, I’m dubious whether Mancini is a good enough manager and tactician to get all ducks in order to mount a sustained push for the Premier League title. They’ll no doubt Mancini will add about four more before the end of August, so it might get so ridiculous it’ll be impossible for them not to win it. I’m looking forward to watching Balotelli because I haven’t seen much of him but the amount of coverage his pursuit and purchase has go I feel like I should know who the fuck he really is.

4. Arsenal – got to go with the Arse because since they stopped winning I’ve wanted to see them get back to winning. They still need a good goalkeeper and holding midfielder (one of Real’s Diarra’s should do that job) but they’ll be as good as ever going forward. Nasri showed last year that he’s got it while Arshavin and Van Persie are guaranteed goals and entertainment. Chamakh looks like an awkward bastard but there are high hopes; we’d all like to see Wilshere playing games at the Emirates than the Reebok; and there’s always Nicklas Bendtner.

Bottom 3

18. Newcastle Utd; 19. West Bromwich Albion; 20. Blackpool – right, I’ve been boring again and gone for the three who go promoted to back down. I think Newcastle have the best chance of surviving just because they’ll probably have the best home form of the three. Neither of these three has really strengthened, although Holloway got in some token signings this past week, and none of them possess one real game-changing player. Like everyone, I’d love Holloway to keep Blackpool up, but I’m almost intrigued to see how much they’ll lose by every week because I’m pretty confident they’ll have the lowest points total by the season’s end. I haven’t really got an opinion of West Brom, I like Di Matteo and Dorrans is supposed to have it, but they’re just a bit meh. However, I do think Di Matteo is astute enough to not make the mistakes Mowbray did and he’ll set up to survive rather than look good and come second. I also see Wigan and Blackburn struggling but would be surprised if any of the Premier League’s newest teams had enough to stay up.

PM

So last season I went quite conservative with the top 3 and predicted someone else would break into the top 4. Admittedly it wasn’t Everton but having got the make up of the bottom 3 correct I’m arguing 6 out of 7 isn't bad.

The reason for pointing that out is that this season I think I’ve gone mental. I’m predicting like a few others a much more competitive at the top, I think the gap has been closed on United and Chelsea. The bottom 3 are not so easy to predict this year with the exception of Blackpool who look pretty nailed on.

So:

1. Man City

The argument is that it’s too soon for them to become only the fifth club to take the Premier League title. They might fire Mancini after a few bad results or they might use that horrifically bloated Championship Manager style squad to great affect. Fifth one season and the title the next? It’ll be a close run thing if they do.

2. Man United

Everyone’s excited by Hernandez probably just about as much as they are frustrated by Berbatov. I think United will be the most entertaining team to watch in the league this season but how long can Giggs and Scholes carry them over the line to triumph and will Smalling or Evans provide decent enough assistance to Vidic in the absence of Ferdinand.

3. Liverpool

Yeah I know. The team I hate. Despise, even. But its OK to like them again now cause they’ve got Woy and Joe. Hodgson should be able to motivate a more balanced looking attack (thanks to Benitez last signing?!). There is genuinely quality and competition in midfield (if Mascherano goes or not) and if he can something out of Babel, keeps Torres fit, a top three finish is just about possible.

4. Chelsea

Originally I included Arsenal here but with Essien back and Ramires on the way Chelsea’s midfield seems well stocked. Ancelloti has predicted a big season for Daniel Sturridge and if he gets in ahead Drogba, Anelka and Kalou it will have been. If Lampard continues to knock in the goals like last season they’ll certainly be up there.

The reason I’ve put them here is because I genuinely believe they are going to prioritise the Champions League this season and at times that’s going to cost them league points.

Bottom 3

18. Stoke

Maybe a heart ruling the head again but even before they bought Kenwyne in I thought Stoke might struggle. They’ll keep a mean defence but I still don’t see the goals coming in. To clarify I love Kenwyne but as the back up support striker, he’s not the man to get the goals. They might not be here but I think they’ll struggle.

19. Wolves

OK so maybe I should just say who I want to go down. They’ve spunked £6.5m on Stephen Fletcher who was OK for Burnley last year. They still have George Elokobi. That’s enough for me.

20. Blackpool

Last year I predicted that Burnley would go down but that it was because they played football too much. Blackpool’s amazing run and play off victory will not be sustained at this level. I think they’ll really, really struggle.

RT

1st – Man U
As much as it pains me to put these scum bags on top of the pile and as much as they’ve not revamped their squad as much as others that champagne socialist Scotch cunt of a manager (and the revenge mentality he’ll instil after last season’s just-second-best) is too good to ignore. Add to this the fact they now have the best four forward options in the league – Rooney + a sharp looking Berbatov + a best signing of the summer Hernandez + Owen – and I can’t but think they’ll do it. Bastards

2nd – Chelsea
Good. Very goodÖ But not quite good enough this time around. They’ve got the best squad in the league but, I think, the sheer it’s-our-turn-this-time-ness of Man U will win the day. And Drogba’s getting a little too old for his diving self to save the day.

3rd – Liverpool
I support them. I have to believe.
So shut up, right. Just shut up.
Cole will be the deciding factor in a player-of-the-season role, alongside a close-second Gerrard.

4th – Arsenal
A bit of a risk of a prediction, and one I’m not all that comfortable with, but I think their bad luck with injuries can’t keep on decimating them as much as it has. With a fit for even most of the season Fabregas/van Persie they’ll fly this high at the very least.

Man City? Tottenham?
Yep, but no, but maybe; but no.
I just can’t see Man City’s new army of overpaid-but-unschooled-in-the-Premiership stars getting it together. A mostly terrible pre-season hints at the fact that while they might occasionally work things out enough to beat their fellow top guns (they’ll do Man U at home, and maybe Arsenal), those cold Monday nights in Stoke / Wigan / [insert post-industrially-depressed-town-here] will be their downfall.

And Tottenham’s attempts to stake a claim in Europe will be too much for a squad that’s as shallow as a statement from Harry Redknapp on his intentions in the transfer market.

Bottom – Wolves
Terrible last season, and second season syndrome is going to hit them like a bad case of Syphilis.

Second bottom – Blackpool
Sad, but inevitable. They’ve signed enough players and have a daunting enough home ground to keep them off the bottom, but they're to premiership football what Blackpool women are to humanity: ugly, pointless and, thanks to that whole 'survival of the fittest' thing, ultimately doomed.

Third bottom – Newcastle
This could (very) easily be West Brom but Newcastle lack any kind of depth in their squad. I like Hughton as a manager but the whole infrastructure is as circus-like as it’s been for years. Andy Carroll as their number 9 enough said.

MJ

1. Man United
2. Chelsea
3. Liverpool
4. Man City

MH (via text)

World Cup Dreaming

2010-05-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon at work. Day dreaming about the World Cup. Who would I take (I ask myself)? Well:

Goalkeepers:

Joe Hart
David James
Robert Green

Defenders:

Leighton Baines
Jamie Carragher (RB)
Ashley Cole
Rio Ferdinand
Glen Johnson
Ledley King (DM)
John Terry

Midfielders:

Gareth Barry
Joe Cole
Steven Gerrard (LM)
Tom Huddlestone (CB)
Adam Johnson
Frank Lampard
Aaron Lennon
James Milner (RB, CM)
Theo Walcott (CF)

Forwards:

Peter Crouch
Jermain Defoe
Emile Heskey
Wayne Rooney

Cut

Stephen Warnock
Michael Dawson
Matthew Upson
Scott Parker
Michael Carrick
Shaun Wright-Phillips
Darren Bent

I cut one more defender than likely (Upson or Dawson) so I could accomodate Huddlestone, who can cover at CB anyway.

Yep I'm a dreamer. The brackets aren't preferred positions, only showing why I think it's possible.

Sing of Old Djurgården, Now, Sing.

2009-11-05T02:47:00.000-08:00

I recently caught up with Tom Ogden who explained how he spent the last day of the Swedish football season.

Monday morning conversations with my neighbour Niklas over breakfast have been downcast these past few weeks. ‘How did Djurgården get on this weekend?’, I’ll ask tentatively, over the ever-gurgling kitchen coffee-machine.‘Not good. We lost again.’ comes the familiar reply, as I stir my tea. ‘How about Liverpool?’.

‘Ah, don’t ask.’

Finding a Stockholm football team to follow has been a task I’ve put off since my move to Sweden, with plenty else to keep me occupied. Hammarby were the team I’d considered beforehand, but Djurgården turned out to be the local team when I found a place to live. ‘The Blue Stripes’ play at the beautiful old Olympic stadium, built for the 1912 summer games. It sits between my new home in the north of the city and the campus of KTH (Kungliga Tekniska Högskolan) where I study, so I pass it on my daily walk.

I often slow down to admire the beautiful brickwork, the clock tower with its battlements and the old telephone boxes outside. You can even see the pitch from the pavement on Valhallavägen, through the main arch of the structure. And it’s close enough to hear the cheers and boos on match days, as a weekly reminder for me to investigate. This season, apparently, there’s been few cheers. At the end of a decade of success for Djurgården — winning Allsvenskan in2002, 2003 and 2005, along with a bunch of domestic cups — this season has been awful. Not only has their poor form driven them down into the relegation zone, but they’ve had to watch as bitter Stockholm rivals AIK have enjoyed a strong campaign at the top.

Seventeen losses seemed to have sealed Djurgården’s fate, but a late turn of form and a couple of wins have brought some hope. A vital 2-1 win over the other team facing relegation, Örgryte, was backed up with a surprise 0-2 win at Helsingborg. The match will be remembered as Henrik Larsson’s professional bow, but the importance of the result for the future of Djurgården could be huge. Örgryte have slipped below them into the automatic relegation spot, two points behind with just one game to go.

Still, Örgryte only have to beat tenth-placed Gefle in their final game, their team probably planning their skiing holidays; Djurgården’s final hurdle is a tough match against fourth-placed Kalmar, who have a Europa League spot to fight for, and against whom they’ve lost their last three home games. There is still a tough job to do.

Meanwhile, those rivals I mentioned, AIK, sit on top of the league, one point above Göteborg. Remarkably, the fixture list has drawn the old clubs against each other in the final game, with Göteborg holding home advantage. The newspapers, Aftonbladet and Dagens Nyheter, are calling it the Gold Medal Match. This is the kind of excitement I need to distract me from what looks to be a season already over on Merseyside. I jump at Niklas’ offer to grab me a ticket for Djurgården’s final match.

So this Sunday afternoon in November, I meet Niklas and a couple of his friends, and our Turkish neighbour Hamsa. ‘Aren’t you worried about hooliganism, bringing a Turkish and an English to your nice Swedish football?’, he teases. The match is a sellout: all 13,000 tickets. The news from Gothenburg is that AIK fans are already causing trouble, smashing every window on the SJ train that brought them west. I’ve been on one of those fine old locomotives —I’m building a healthy dislike of AIK already.

Arriving at the stadium, we find our space on the wooden benches. The stands are low, though the running track keeps us a little distant from the action. The club anthem ‘Sing of Old Djurgården’ comes over the speakers and gets a loud recital, which I am actually able to join in as Hamsa has dutifully written down the words after finding them on the internet. I’m mostly chortling through it as he surprises me with these carefully copied notes, and I have no idea what I’m singing about, but it is an enjoyable and rousing tune nonetheless. Kick off! Djurgården start brightly. The full backs get forward, overlapping and flinging some decent crosses in, though the Kalmar ‘keeper has little trouble plucking them out of the air'. Though the home team are bossing possession, the importance of the game is clearly causing some tension with a few wayward touches in midfield.

Relief comes after 27 minutes. A Djurgården corner is headed clear of the box, only for midfielder Patrick Haginge to fire it back goal wards with a sweet half volley low into the bottom right corner of the net. Celebration and hugs all round , on the pitch and in the stands.

Soon after the goal, a quiet cheer spreads around the ground suggesting good news elsewhere. Örgryte are losing at Gefle. And another, much louder, cheer. Göteborg are 1-0 up against AIK. Niklas confirms my suspicion, ‘AIK losing is probably as important to us as Djurgården winning.’
Half time arrives, and the crowds descend through brick arches to queue for warm Kanelbullar and more coffee, as we hop around to defrost toes. The faces around us are happy — all the important results are going the right way.

Settling back in for the second half, a little tension seeps back in to the crowd. Örgryte have equalised in their match, and Kalmar have woken up a bit. A few high balls leave the centre-halves looking uncomfortable, and only a well placed shin blocks a dangerous run into the box from the left wing. Mercifully, on 56 minutes, Djurgården pick up a second goal. Again, it’s from a corner. This time an attacker gets his head to the ball first on the back post, though without sufficient power to score. A messy goalmouth scramble ends with a decisive touch from veteran defender Markus Johannesson — a nice way to end his final season at the club.

Relief in Stockholm is tempered by bad news from Gothenburg. AIK have equalised, putting them back on top of the pile. Göteborg need a win to take the title.

I try, through the match, to pick up terrace songs. The tunes are easy enough, as even these seem to be a part of the globalised game. We sing ‘Na, na, na, (adtedium) Djurgården’ to the tune of Hey Jude, and an amusing ‘Steve Galloways Jarnkaminerna’ to the ‘Barmy Army’ tune — Steve Galloway being their English assistant manager (he played at St. Mirren and Crystal Palace, apparently) and ‘Jarnkaminerna’ (‘The Iron Stoves’) the fan club. If I close my eyes, I could easily be at Rochdale or York City, but for the lack of dietary advice directed at the away goalkeeper. I find the chants a little disappointing in their politeness, to be honest. One promisingly aggressive call-and-response from the left stand to the right turns out to be ‘Let’s move forward!’, ‘But keep the defence tight!’, ‘Let’s move forward!’, ‘But keep the defence tight!’. That’s just practical. Can’t we at least discuss their striker’s parentage briefly? After the second goal, Kalmar lose some of their fight and the game goes a bit quiet. Apart from trying to follow songs, the best entertainment arrives when the Djurgården goalkeeper slices four goal kicks in a row high into the left stand. Only one goes further than the half way line. Four in a row! I hope he has somewhere to practice over the winter when the snow sets deep.

The relief of getting their win is clear in the players’ celebrations at the final whistle, lapping the pitch to thank their support. Still waiting for results around the country, the disappointing news arrives: AIK have scored a late winner to confirm they’ll be bringing the Allsvenskan trophy back to parade around Stockholm. And there’ll likely be more riots in Gothenburg for Jens Lekman to sing about.

So then, Göteborg didn’t manage to stop AIK but Djurgården did what they needed to do. Most importantly, I care about a club here. I’m looking forward to next season already.

Fantasy Football Update

2009-10-28T06:39:00.001-07:00

I thought it might be time to give an update on our Fantasy Football progress. Kevin is dominating our league so far;

He took an early lead and although I've managed to close the gap he keeps edging away. It's fair to say that we are all not doing particularly well.

Here's my current team with some additional ponderings;

Ben Foster Manchester United £3.0m (20 points - for my team)

The Foster experiment hasn't gone particularly well. Especially for Ben Foster. His reputation as the great hope of English goalkeeping has nose dived considerably after some high profile howlers. Van Der Sar's return to fitness will probably result in another one year contract extent ion and Foster will be kicking his heels and playing understudy to both the Dutchman, and at international level, to David James.

Alternatives - Foster provided excellent value for the period he was in the first team and only Petr Cech scored more points from 'the big 4' teams. Still I need to use some of those precious transfers and looking at who is doing well elsewhere, discounting Thomas Sorensen (Stoke City) as top points scorer an extra £500,000 gets me the reliable Brad Friedel (Aston Villa) from a team who should do better until the end of the season.

Glenn Johnson Liverpool £4.0m (20 points)

The Liverpool right back is a safe choice for any FF manager. His attacking instincts have provided 30 points for those who have stuck with him all season and he'll only add more. If only he could be more consistent. Still doesn't look worth £18m though.

Thomas Vermaelen Arsenal £3.7m (6 points)

Those who registered Vermaelen's uncanny knack for popping up with a goal early on have been rewarded with a mammoth 36 points. I said in my season preview that Vermaelen settling down quickly at the Emirates would be integral to any success that Arsenal might achieve this season. So far so good.

Stephen Warnock Aston Villa £3.5m (14 points)

Warnock's transfer from Blackburn to Aston Villa didn't surprise anyone who has followed the talented full back. It did mean missing a couple of games and settling down into a new team. Still I think he's one worth persevering with.

Graham Alexander Burnley £3.0m (6 points)

I don't think anyone outside Burnley celebrated when they got their first penalty more than me. But Bunley are shipping goals at an alarming rate away from home. I need to stop being stubborn and change this one.

Alternatives - It looks like Richard Dunne (Aston Villa), on 37 points, is this seasons must have defender, although that's going to mean a lot of changes if I'm to stick to my 2 players per team rule. Abdoulaye Faye (Stoke City) is scoring well and offers good value at £3.5m. And on Merseyside Leighton Baines (Everton) and Emiliano Insua (Liverpool) are on 28 and 27 points respectively, a note of caution though, Everton aren't getting the results lately and officially have 128 players on the injury list. Aquilani may mean Aurellio being accomadated at left back, it shouldn't happen but it's Benitez, so who knows?

Wild Card - Might be Roger Johnson (Birmingham City) who although he has only scored 16 points is a bargain at £2.8m and has popped up with a few goals in past seasons.

Frank Lampard Chelsea £7.0m (42 points)

Expensive yes but reliable always, the news that Fat Frank is back amongst the goals and Gerrard's injury means most FF players are scrambling to get him in.

Cesc Fabregas Arsenal £5.0m (46 points)

I read some nonsense questioning the Arsenal captain's form this season. His assists alone stand at 9. His value to points ratio is 0.5 ahead of anyone else. I guess that's why he's in 42% of people's teams.

James Milner Aston Villa £4.0m (4 points)

Milner is a classy midfielder and has been getting some people very excited (see Number 4). I've not long moved him into my team and so I'm hoping his excellent delivery, occasional goals and push for berth in the World Cup squad reap rewards for me!

Marouane Fellaini Everton £3.7m (17 points)

Despite playing 6 times for Everton this season Fellaini has only picked up 17 points and I might be carrying a player here. No doubt his actual real performances have been good in a poor Everton team but this is Fantasy.

Alternatives - There are a couple of Bolton midfielders who are doing well, Tamir Cohen's 3 goals have propelled him up the points to £ ratio but I'd plump for the perennially underrated Matt Taylor, 9 league starts and 3 goals. Another favourite of mine is Tom Huddlestone (Tottenham Hotspur) although Modric has been the catalyst for Spurs' successful start to the season and Lennon has provided the sparkle, Huddlestone's unexpected rediscovery of the form that got us so excited when he burst onto the scene at 16 as has been the highlight for me.

Wild Card - Kevin Prince-Boateng's (Portsmouth) 26 points for £2.5m looks outstanding value.

Didier Drogba Chelsea £6.4m (14 points)

Despite being a goal behind Torres in the race for the golden boot his extra start has yielded 7 more points than the Spaniard. Drogba can be a conundrum at times but when he's motivated he's unplayable.

Craig Bellamy Manchester City £5.2m (9 points)

I shoe horned Bellamy in to the team, not to complete the most odious front line you could imagine, but due to a Monday night game to bag some extra points. He duly delivered that night and has 4 goals for the season. As a Coventry fan it's impossible not to hate our former player with the rap sheet as long as your arm - but on the pitch he's doing the business.

Alternatives - From Fernando Torres (Liverpool) I've bagged 66 points of his total of 73 this season and I'll try and get him back in my team soon. Darren Bent (Sunderland) is enjoying his partnership with Kenwyne Jones and provides the best points to £ ratio currently (will he hit a drought).

Wild Card -This year's biggest surprise for me has to be Hugo Rodellega (Wigan) he has 5 goals, a couple of spectacular ones too, but I'm getting a touch of the Zaki's about him, maybe.

My Grandparents Play Battleships - Or, How Commentating Spices Things Up

2009-09-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

Commentator 1: Hello, and welcome back to Battleships Live. We'll soon be tuning in to Nancy Giles v Reginald Giles - and you know what Geoff, this could be one heck of a contest.
Commentator 2: That's right Clive. This is the 29th time the players have met, in a rivalry stretching back to Dartmouth '94. Nancy took that first encounter, and then made some disparaging comments about Reginald in her post-match talk. Since then, he's had the upper hand, leading her 17-11 in their head-to-head.
Commentator 1: But am I right in thinking that Nancy has won all of their games that have taken place on a Thursday? That could be ominous for today.
Commentator 2: Yes - a telling statistic, Clive, and one that Reginald will want to put behind him today, going into this match. I think we'll see Reginald come out and really play an aggressive game straight away. He'll want to really take it to his wife in the early stages, sink a ship early on and put her on the back foot.
Commentator 1: I can't wait. And here come the players. Nancy looks very focused out there, I must say, whereas Reginald... what's Reginald doing here? Oh, he's looking for his glasses. There they are! That's classic Reginald. Any sense today that Reginald might be up to his old tricks, Geoff? Nancy's complained about time-wasting on numerous occasions in the past.
Commentator 2: Nancy won't be thinking about that right now. She's concentrating on her game. And moving to our board cam, we can see her laying out her flotilla. Oh, this is a smart move! She's gone for an intelligent line-up here, with neighbouring plane-carriers and small boats. Reginald is going to have to be very, very focused here.
Commentator 1: But his line-up is none too shabby either. Good ships on a B2-B5 combination, and excellent stretches of empty board. This is fascinating.
Commentator 2: Care to call it, Clive?
Commentator 1: Oh, this could go either way. I think the player who strikes first will certainly be favourite.
Commentator 2: Fence-sitting as usual! I don't blame you. And Nancy makes her first call. Well, this is incredible. First blood to the 83-year-old, and on her very first call! And it's his aircraft carrier! Unbelievable play. Careful for her next move. Oh, and she called J5 - another hit! She could do some real damage now. Reginald seems to be taking it in his stride, but he'll be reeling from this attack.
Commentator 1: Yes, this is a huge blow to his chances, and right now you've got to fancy Nancy to take it. He's got to find a way back from here. But how? He needs to change his game-plan, and fast. Nancy is one shot from sinking his best piece. He calls F7 - oh, this is interesting. It's a good play because Nancy traditionally likes to occupy the top right quarter of the board, but it fails on this occasion. Good attacking play though.
Commentator 2: Difficult times for Reginald Giles, who's often quick to get riled. He'll need to rein in his emotions today, Clive. This could be a long match. This might go all the way.
Commentator 1: Nancy's call. And what's this? She's turning on the television! Countdown's on! This is incredible. How is Reginald going to react to this? I would never have seen that coming, would you Geoff?
Commentator 2: Well, this isn't unheard of in their matches, but I wasn't expecting it so early in the game, Clive. This could change everything.
Commentator 1: And - yes, yes - I'm hearing that play has been suspended momentarily! Extraordinary scenes in Yeovil here as we head into a quick break - it's tantalisingly poised at one-nil to Nancy. We'll be right back.

David Puddy XI (“Alright, high-five”)

2009-08-15T04:43:00.000-07:00

I used to get well excited about putting together Fantasy/Dream Teams when I was a kid. It was almost like a real Championship Manager. I’d stay up all hours creating shortlists and working out different teams and formations. It’d take several weeks for me to narrow down a first XI and then I’d have to do another team because I felt bad for all those I left out. Hell, I even like typing in all the individual player codes on phone.

Now, I could give a shit. I did my first one in years last season because it allowed me to get away from work momentarily and ended up doing my 30 (!) transfers before February. It’d be better if had something riding on the league winner because “pride” isn’t really going cut it for me.

Having said that, I did enjoy picking out a player or two that I think will shine over the course of the season. But even though my starting XI’s will no doubt change within the week, I still aired on the side of caution and went with some guaranteed points players.

Anyway, here’s a sentence or two on each player of my team…

Manuel Almunia – 3.5

Is the cheapest keeper of the top four and will be a starter every week. He and Arsenal’s defence are a liability though so this might be one of the first changes I’ll make.

Branislav Ivanovic – 3.3

Solid defender and was favoured over Bosingwa in the Charity Shield. With the persisting rumours the Portuguese right back is off to Bayern Munich, I expect the Serbian to start a lot of games.

Richardo Carvalho – 3.8

Hopefully Ancelotti will instil Carvalho back alongside Terry at the heart of Chelsea’s defence. If so, they’ll be lots of clean sheets, and maybe he’ll pop up with odd goal.

Mathew Upson – 3.5

This pick is in hope that Lescott stays at Goodison so Man City will quickly move for Upson. If so, he’ll probably acquire more points, but whether at West Ham or Eastlands, he’s a guaranteed starter and consistent performer.

Yuri Zhirkov – 4.2

I don’t expect Zhirkov to start too many games at left back if Ashley Cole’s fit, so he’ll probably line up on the left hand side of midfield. My only concern is he’s an Abramovich buy so he might not fit into Ancelotti’s plans. Good player though.

Andrei Arshavin – 5.5

I’m guessing Wenger’s learnt his lesson about leaving out this little genius. Should be the focal point of Arsenal’s attack where he’ll make and score goals all season.

Steven Gerrard – 6.5

Like Lampard, you know what you’re getting with Gerrard and he’ll doubtlessly score points every time he plays.

Morten Gamst Pedersen – 3.4

Believe it or not, I actually chose Pedersen before his midweek brace against Scotland. I’ve always been a fan and while he’s underperformed the last couple of season, I’m hopeful he’ll recapture some of that form that made him one of the most dynamic players in the league.

Wayne Rooney – 6.8

Rooney is supposedly going to start more games through the middle, so that can only mean more points for a man who already scores them regularly.

Peter Crouch – 5.7

I expect Crouch will be preferred to Pavlychenko and alongside either Defoe or Keane he should be the spearhead of the Spurs attack. Is accomplished enough now to guarantee you 12 + goals a season.

Christian Benitez – 3.8

This boy’s my pick to make an impact. You don’t drop 9 mil on player (especially if your Birmingham) if he hasn’t got something. Hopefully he’ll settle early but with pace, power and an excellent goalscoring record, he’s got a chance.

Premier League Prediction

2009-08-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Predicting the outcome of the Premier League season before a ball has been kicked is a foolhardy pursuit. So here, nailed to the mast, is a few of our top 4, bottom 3 predictions. I'm thinking it'll be nice to come back here at various points in the season and just point and laugh at our own stupidity.

Kevin O’Neill

Top four: Man Utd, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Chelsea.

Come on! This season is exciting -- the genuine possibility for Utd, Liverpool or Chelsea to win it, as they seem more evenly matched than ever before. Liverpool are probably the strongest going into the first day, as they have a clear idea of how they're going to set up next year, i.e. the same as last year. However, I think it will be just not quite good enough yet again. Their strength in depth is poor, and they still have weaknesses on the wing that the acquisition of Glen Johnson will help, but not solve. Chelsea won't settle in in time to make a real threat, and Abramovich will fuck them up yet again, probably firing Ancelotti by September. United get the title not by default, but because I think Ferguson is best equipped to shepherd his team to the title. Buying Owen was a masterful move (wait for this to backfire, obviously). Finally, I've been thinking a lot about Arsenal, and decided they won't get in the top four. I love them -- if I have an English team, it's them (which, as a Celtic fan, brings up a whole other conflict in a couple of weeks, which I'll be writing about on here...), but they seem to be in a serious re-building phase just now, and injuries to key players hamper them more than most. Villa get third in a champion effort from my former nemesis-namesake Martin O'Neill.

Bottom three: Blackburn, Burnley, Birmingham.

I'd love Burnley to survive, but I don't see their resources being up to the task. Hopefully they'll get a dramatic last-day finish, if nothing else, but they're going back down. Birmingham too -- Alex McLeish is a nice football personality, but his attachment to former Scottish proteges will be his downfall. Blackburn will finally succumb to the drop, as Sam Allardyce's anti-football tactics prove inadequate to a new era of Xavi/Iniesta-inspired passing football in the League (one can dream...).

Ryan Taylor

Top 4 - Chelsea, Man Utd, Arsenal, Everton

Can Ancelloti guide Chelsea to the Premier League title in his first season? I guess I think he can. He inherits a strong squad that’s been galvanised by winning the FA Cup under Hiddink. Zhirkov looks like a decent addition that will add balance on the left. The marquee signing that Captain Terry demanded before ‘proving’ his loyalty doesn’t look likely but they might benefit from the continuity. Maybe I’m putting too much on the Ronaldo sale, he did spend half the season being a petulant brat but he was still effective. Most predictions I’ve read focus on Rooney’s added importance to the team rather than any focus on a genuine replacement for the oily one. For me, they just look that little bit more beatable without him. It seems Wenger’s fledglings may finally be ready to push on this season. In Arshavin, Fabregas, Rosicky and Nasri they boast the most creative of midfield talents. They still lack a top goalscorer and there will be a lot of pressure on Vermaelen to settle in quickly. They might even lead the race come Christmas only for Wenger to blow a gasket as his youthful squad crack under pressure. And finally predicting the that the team that have finished in 5th place for the past two seasons can go one better this year should not necessarily be a large leap of faith, but it probably is. Everton are consistent and have some very good players (Arteta, Cahill and Jagielka). They also have genuine competition for places (Yakubu, Jo, Saha, Anichebe and Vaughan) bolstered with emerging talent from the academy (Rodwell, Baxter) if injuries don’t take there toll. They seemed to improve when Lescott was moved to the centre and Baines began playing regularly last season, if Lescott goes, and for footballs sake let’s hope he doesn’t, Yobo and Jagielka (Rodwell until he returns) will provide an adequate shield for ticking Timmy.

Bottom 3 – Hull, Portsmouth, Burnley

I never really thought I was a bad judge of character, I think Phil Brown’s fall from grace last season proves that I am. At first I thought he and his battling Hull side were a breath of fresh air, then came the increasingly outlandish quotes, the silly fuzz and finally that horrific last day debacle with him celebrating a defeat like a massive bell in the middle of the pitch. They didn’t necessarily keep themselves up last season, more Middlesbrough and Newcastle got themselves relegated and I don’t think they’ll be so fortunate this time. I’ve included Portsmouth here for the sheer volume of quality players they have lost. It echoes their South Coast neighbours troubles of last season albeit a division below. Hart seems pragmatic and affable but he’ll prove himself an astute manager keeping this threadbare (even with some genuine quality in it) squad up. Finally, Burnley. I was harping on to all who’d listen that Burnley would get through the playoff’s in May and now here I am proclaiming they'll be propping up the table all season. I won’t be the only one. They just look too good to stay in this division. Too honest, too willing to try and play football. A bit naive? I've been proven wrong on more the one occassion and I’d be delighted if they did but my it’s hard to see it.

Paul Morris

Top 4

Despite all the hoo-hah involving Man City and the familiar question of whether Arsenal can keep their place in the elite, I can’t see anyone breaking the stranglehold of season’s past. Each team have had to deal with a big departure over the summer (Utd – Ronaldo; Chelsea – Hiddink; Liverpool – Alonso; Arsenal – Adebayor) but I think they all have enough to compensate for that loss.

I’d love to share Taylor’s ludicrous optimism that the mighty Toffees will breach the gap, but it aint happening. They haven’t improved the squad enough to do so and Moysie boasts a quite miserable record against the big boys. Same goes for Aston Villa and Tottenham. O’Neill should just be concentrating on keeping Villa consistent while ‘Appy ‘Arry’s penchant for playing Champ Man might make his Spurs side entertaining, it inevitably leads to disappointment (ask Keegan).

I’m not going to completely rule out ‘Sparky Hughes’ Abu Dhabi Army’ though. Potential frontline combinations of any of Tevez, Robinho, Adebayor, Santa Cruz, Bellamy and Wrighty P, with the likes of Barry, Ireland, De Jong and Kompany in behind them is something you really can’t argue with. Add Lescott or Upson (or both) to Richards, Onuoha, Bridge and the excellent Given and you got yourself a squad of players.

That being said, here’s my 2009/2010 Top 4…

#1 Manchester United

Ronaldo’s world record breaking move to Real Madrid might be the biggest monetary transfer of the pre-season. However, it’s the boy now occupying his No. 7 jersey who is gained all the attention. Since C-Ron’s exit, the question for Utd and Sir Alex is whether they can fill the void left by the Portuguese Pretty Boy. The arrival of Michael Owen and Antonio Luis Valencia suggest that they’ve acted decisively to cover the goal scoring and making exploits of the World Player of the Year. Whether they have or not will be answered before Christmas.

Defensively Utd are as strong as anyone and they possess depth and diversity in midfield. Their question marks lie in the final third of the field. Talk of the added responsibility on Rooney’s shoulders seems to have overshadowed the importance of Berbatov’s performances this year. For Utd to succeed, I believe the Bulgarian has to be a consistent influence and can’t resort to flitting in and out of games as he did in the last campaign.

I’m a huge fan of Berbatov; I think he’s complete class. Players of his and ‘Wazza’s’ pedigree don’t think about “gelling”, they just trust each other’s pure ability. Throw in the guaranteed goals of Michael Owen and the precocious young Itai Macheda and scoring looks easy. I think the strength of Utd’s squad still ranks above most in the world and this will be enough to make it four on the spin. My only concern would be whether Sir Alex places the Champions League over the Premiership. After last season’s frustration, he’ll want to get it right this time round and that could see a shift in his priorities.

#2 Chelsea

Similarly to Utd, Chelsea have added very little player-wise over the summer and will rely on what they’ve already got. The obvious question is whether Carlo Ancelotti can carry on what Guus Hiddink appeared to start. After the ups and downs of Avram Grant and ‘Big Phil’, Hiddink got them playing again and clearly had a very positive impact on the players. Ancelotti is inheriting a confident, content squad and will have to do something quite drastic to disrupt their dynamic. From what I’ve seen of them in pre-season Ancelotti looks to be implementing his customary 4-4-2 diamond. Chelsea certainly have the players to accommodate this formation, it’s just whether the egos will allow it.

For me, it’s key that Chelsea get Carvalho back alongside Terry as a first choice centre half. He’s proven he’s a great player and was the backbone of their success under Jose. The attack looks relatively settled with Drogba, having professed his undying love for The Blues, and last season’s top score Anelka looking like forming a more regular strike force this time round. Chelsea’s problem will lie in who occupies the four midfield berths. Lampard is a certainty at the peak while Obi-Mikel and Essien will probably vie for the holding role. Malouda was better last year but will come under pressure from the returning Joe Cole, plus egos-in-arms Ballack and Deco will no doubt have their say. Ancelotti will have to be ruthless and not cower to these decisions just because someone might get a bit pissy. I reckon he’s got it in him.

I’m really interested to see how Ancelotti and his new formation do. Whether it works or not, Chelsea will still be the model of consistency, dismantling bottom half teams home and away. However, they’ll have to produce more against those in the top 6. I see them pushing Utd very close, especially if both Drogba and Anelka can get scoring.

#3 Liverpool

I’m not really going to waste much time on Liverpool because I don’t think anything will change. Benitez will play the same way, use the same tactics in the same formation. He’ll rightly try and keep going what they put together last season which was a strong, defensively savvy team with probably the two best players in the league spearheading it.

Alonso’s move back home does leave a rather gaping hole to fill that could effectively change the way Liverpool set up. Its unlikely Gerrard will drop in there to form a more conventional 4-4-2 as Benitez has clearly shown he prefers him in behind Torres. So expect to see the industrious Lucas Leiva line up alongside Javier Mascherano. I’ve only seen this Aquilani play a few times but he’s never impressed me. He looks entirely too lightweight to play as a central midfielder and not really penetrative enough to play higher up the pitch. However, at 20 mil, Rafa’s got to find a place for him somewhere. This one’s got Robbie Keane written all over it.

Benitez has constructed a regimented unit that knows will always get him results. His problem seems to be finding alternative ways of playing when Gerrard and Torres are misfiring or absent. The purchase of Glen Johnson might give them more going forward but he’s an awful defender (although anything’s an improvement on Arbeloa). Like many, I’d like to see Benitez use Babel more. He can be a little erratic and oblivious but has the potential to turn games with his raw pace and power. After last year, Liverpool will underwhelm in the league but I can definitely see them reaching or winning a cup final.

#4 Arsenal

Its odd how Arsenal and manager Arsene Wenger were staunchly hated about five years back but are now universally loved for their application of ‘the beautiful game’. “Loved” might be an exaggeration. “Pitied” seems more suitable. They’re the football equivalent of Mickey Rourke in ‘The Wrestler’: sublime, almost tear-inducing performance that sorrowfully won’t get them what they want. Now that they’re not routinely winning trophies they are no longer a legitimate threat and everybody’s appreciation of their flowing football is tinged with a “You know they really do deserve something for the way they play”.

The thing I love about Wenger is his completely blinkered view that his team, no matter what they clearly lack, is as good as it’s ever been. His unwavering belief in the youngsters he has is testament to those who think money is ruining the game. The problem for Arsenal is, youth and ability will only get you so far. And because Wenger is so pig-headed (or French) he’s never going to admit what is publicly evident. Even the slight wobble he had considering a move for old boy Patrick Viera was quickly quashed. This, despite the fact they’ve lacked any real leadership in years and the players he’s turned to (Gallas, Gilberto, Toure, even Henry) didn’t have it.

Keeping hold of Fabregas, placing emphasis on his role and building around him is key. Great flair players like Arshavin, Rosicky, Nasri are an enormous asset but there are going to struggle to play without someone to do their graft. Arsenal need someone with bite in the middle of the park and until they find that, they’ll continue to underachieve. They’ll no doubt set us alight with some of their football, once in a while humiliating teams, making us sit up and notice. But ability alone doesn’t get you through 38 games, and when that falters, they don’t have much to fall back on.

Bottom 3

As I rambled like a mental patient about the top 4, I’ll keep this one brief (plus I should really do some work at work). Picking relegation fodder used to be easy. It always involved the three promoted teams plus a couple usual suspects. But since the turn of the century, big teams are regularly involved in the fight for survival and now there always seems to be a surprise faller. After last season’s ridiculously tight bottom half, I see it being the same way this year. I think 7 or 8 teams will be involved throughout the season so I’m just going to go with the gut on this one…

#18 Wigan Athletic

This was a toss up with Wolves and I surprised myself by backing the perennially moaning old bastard Mick McCarthy. Since their promotion in 2005, people have questioned Wigan’s place in the Premiership. But after another solid year under Steve Bruce, they were on the road to being the Bolton Wanderers. A few astute signings plus his ability to get the best (or something) out poor players meant The Latics had something to build on. Bruce has now left for the opportunity to spend some cash and has been replaced by former Wigan favourite Roberto Martinez. He got Swansea promoted from League One in his first season and kept them in the Championship playoff hunt last. While he’s had early success, I’m convinced this is a premature appointment and one just to appease the fans. Wigan are a team that often need to be dragged through games which Bruce was perfectly weathered for. I’m not sure Martinez currently has that mental toughness to take on the burden of Wigan’s inevitable struggle. My favourite for first Premiership sacking (unless Spughesy loses two on the bounce).

#19 Stoke City

I can’t see it carrying on. They did fantastically well in their first season and really ruffled a lot of feathers. But they’ve barely added to their squad which means we’re going to get the same physical, stifling displays that previously saw them bully lesser teams. This year, that novelty (it is 2010) will have gone and teams will be better prepared for any aerial onslaught. I think they’ll get goals but be too fragile at the back to stay out of it.

#20 Burnley

The obvious ones maybe, but for a reason. Owen Coyle had success against Premiership opposition in the cups last season, but I can’t see his Burnley side maintaining any sort of form at any time during the year. He’s clearly instilled an excellent spirit and work ethic within the squad but the lack of real talent or top flight quality. They have some promising youngsters but it isn’t enough to keep them up.

Fantasy XI - Part III

2009-08-12T06:49:00.000-07:00

Last season was my first foray into the aggravating and depressing world of Fantasy Football, and my abysmal performance in my friends’ league should have warned me off a second stab. I spent most of the season in the cellar, eventually finishing mid-table only because some of the others in the league basically stopped playing. Of course, settling comfortably in the middle of the pack by virtue of not being as bad as everyone around you is probably the most accurate approximation of the Premier League, so give it some points for realism. I fear I’m still stuck in the Guardian mentality, which had a ridiculous system of +2 for every clearance, giving decent defenders in really poor teams the advantage over everyone else, so I expect my Telegraph team will change rather quickly once the season gets underway. I went with a 4-4-2, just because I don’t trust strikers.

Jussi Jaaskaleinen – £3.2 m

A real bargain at that price, he’s capable of some magic in goals. Even if the Bolton clean sheet record isn’t as strong as it was under Allardyce, I would hope a slightly more solid defense this season will give Jussi some help. Either way he’s certainly in Friedel’s league, and on a good day I’d throw him down against any Cech you got.

Vincent Kompany - £3.5 m

Another cheap buy (as is the rest of the defense), he played really well last season. Since Citeh’s big summer buys went almost solely to attacking players, I think he’s got his place in the team sewn up. He’s got the pace to keep the wingers in check, and on occasion he’s a threat going the other way. Cards might be an issue due to a sometimes-poor temperament, but I think he’s a keeper.

Ricardo Gardner - £3.4 m

Another cog in the hopefully solid Bolton defense, it’s his forward ability that sets him apart. Even if he doesn’t start every game, when subbed in he can wake up a side that has a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel. Honestly he should probably have been listed as a midfielder, but if I’m really lucky I can get the best of both worlds out of the error.

Michael Turner - £3.4 m

The best points-getter for me last season, this will probably be a mistake as he alone won’t be able to save Hull from being ripped apart again and again. Still, he’s an excellent player, and with a bit of luck, he might get sold to a better team before the transfer window shuts. Okay, that’s wishful thinking, but still a bargain.

Alan Hutton - £3.2 m

Within minutes of this selection I was questioning why the hell I chose him. I still don’t know. Maybe I just wanted a comedy Scot in the side? Either way, expect a swift transfer out in the coming weeks.

Steven Gerrard - £6.5 m

He may be the biggest tool this side of John Terry, but his influence on a game is incredible. Guaranteed goals, and probably more assists if he has to pick up some of the slack from the dearly departed Alonso, it will probably help that this year is (another) make-or-break for Benitez. Even if the augurs don’t look good for a trophy, it won’t be for lack of effort on Gerrard’s part.

Andrei Arshavin - £5.5 m

More than just THE footballer picture meme of the 2008/2009 season, Arshavin was probably the best signing of the year. He settled into the team quickly, and I can’t help but think he’ll only get better. No matter what Wenger says, the loss of Adebayor does hurt their goal-scoring ability, so I’ll expect a greater emphasis on the midfield and the wingers since van Persie has never struck me as the ideal target man. Plus, that Liverpool game.

Cesc Fabregas - £5 m

If Wenger really is moving towards a Barcelona shape-is-the-key system, then Fabregas will be the lynchpin. In any case, with 3,000 passes a game, one of them’s gotta be an assist, right?

Darren Fletcher – £3.3 m

There might be a bit of the Scottish romanticism here, but he’s a good player and without Ronaldo around, I expect he’ll fancy a pop from outside the box now and again. His performance in the Charity Shield (first half, anyway) makes me think this is real value for money.

Fernando Torres - £7 m

If he stays fit, he’ll be the focus of Liverpool’s attack and he’ll score a lot of goals. Bonus points come from games where his team is dominating, and he’ll slot a few extra in just for the hell of it.

Kevin Davies - £5.9 m

I don’t expect much from Elmander, so once again Davies will be the go-to man for a desperate side out of ideas. Everyone take a drink when he’s described as a “journeyman” and “workmanlike”, but he’s got a lot of skill to go with his strong-arm tactics. Points will be deducted for a surplus of yellow cards, as every season he has about 4 or 5 contenders for Most Atrocious Tackle of the Year, but it’s a risk worth taking. In a team that thrives on sloppy goalmouth confusion, he’s the king of the scramble. I’m not sure any player works harder for mid-table obscurity.

So that’s the team. I really intended to get past my Chelsea-dislike and drop Carvalho or Cech in, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Such is the irrational world of fantasy football, but since I expect the Blues to do well, I might get over my prejudice and transfer some in down the road.

-Matt

UFC 101: Declaration

2009-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

With the fallout of last month’s record-breaking event still resonating, UFC returns with another action-packed card this Saturday. As with all UFC pay-per-views these days there are enough diverse and interesting match ups to appease the most cynical ‘fan’, with the top two fights providing the star power attraction.

While my picks for UFC 100 didn’t exactly paint me as an “expert” (although no one could foresee Bonnar losing a decision (!) to Coleman), I will continue to persist with a run-through of the line-up and my predictions below. Also, this column (you’ll be glad to read) will be significantly shorter than the last. Apart from not being as arsed, I’m still reeling from the death of the genius that is John Hughes.

So, let’s start at the top…

UFC Lightweight Championship: ‘The Prodigy’ BJ Penn vs. Kenny ‘KenFlo’ Florian

Everyone familiar with MMA knows what skills “Baby Jay” possesses: exceptional stand up, extraordinary jiu-jitsu and the flexibility of a Romanian Olympic gymnast (to name a few). Florian is a very good, well disciplined all-rounder who has deservedly earned his title shot with a current 6-0 win streak.

As long as Baby Jay can combine his natural ability with the right mentality, he should easily overwhelm ‘KenFlo’ in every department. Florian will wisely keep away from a grappling contest, but keeping it standing won’t be too shrewd a move either. BJ’s going to control this wherever it goes, inevitably finishing sometime in the third (before he gets too tired). Penn submission in the 3^rd.

Light-Heavyweight: Anderson ‘The Spider’ Silva vs. Forrest Griffin

This is an excellent challenge for Anderson Silva, who has looked decidedly lacklustre in his last two Middleweight outings. His pound-for-pound status is on the decline so he will want to put in an impressive performance against the People’s Champ ™. Griffin himself won’t just view this as another chance to boost his “scrappy underdog” mantle. He’ll want to bounce back convincingly from losing his title and prove that he does actually belong amongst the MMA elite.

There’s no doubt Griffin will pose a genuinely stern test for Anderson. He’ll have a nice size advantage over the Brazilian and will look to use this to smother his offence. Silva’s precision striking is well documented and it’s impossible to think he won’t seriously test Forrest’s chin throughout. As a three round contest, Anderson won’t have much time for his usual feel out process, so he’ll have to push it a little bit more to get Forrest to engage. While I think Griffin has the necessary for an upset, I can’t see it myself. There’s an outside chance of it going the distance but I’m pretty confident Silva will find his range sometime during the 2^nd, ending it the brutal fashion we’ve become accustomed to. Silva TKO in the 2^nd.

Middleweight: Ricardo ‘Big Dog’ Almeida vs. Kendall ‘Da Spyder’ Grove

At a spindly 6’6, Grove will have significant reach over Almeida. He will no doubt look to utilise this advantage to work his way into the comfort of a Muay Thai clinch where he can unload his array of knees and elbows. Almeida is a jiu-jitsu specialist who will want this thing to hit the ground as soon as. If it does, it should be a clinic from there on in.

This fight has me torn. I like the ‘Big Dog’ but he hasn’t impressed me since his return to the UFC. Kendall is by no means a top contender in the Middleweight division, but I do think he has the appropriate tools to do the job on the Almeida. However, Kendall’s long limbs are right for the plucking and I’d be less than surprised if Almeida takes one home with him. I’m really interested to see how this one pans out and will just favour ‘Da Spyder’ to eek out a decision victory. Grove majority decision.

Welterweight: Amir Sadollah vs. Johny Hendricks

After a wealth of injuries and such, Sadollah finally makes his (proper) UFC debut since winning the seventh season of The Ultimate Fighter. He impressed on the show with a combination of calm and decisive finishing. Hendricks I have no clue about. Apparently he’s a wrestler and he’s got himself an Evan Tanner/hobo beard.

Unsurprisingly I’m going to take Sadollah. He seems like a genuinely likeable guy who has shown legitimate promise. He’s also a black belt Sambo (Russian martial art) which is discipline we rarely see in mainstream MMA. Sadollah submission in the 2^nd.

Lightweight: Josh ‘The Dentist’ Neer vs. Kurt ‘Batman’ Pellegrino

Neer is a big lightweight with solid stand-up and ruthless aggressive intent. Pellegrino is an accomplished grappler with decent mat skills to match.

I certainly favour Neer in this one because Pellegrino has never really impressed me. Neer, if anything, is made of tough stuff and doesn’t seem stupid enough to get caught in a fight ending submission. Plus, he’s a mean looking sucker. Neer TKO in the 3^rd.

Welterweight: Tamdan ‘The Barn Cat’ McCrory vs. John ‘Doomsday’ Howard

McCrory is a young fighter who has shown some real glimpses of potential in previous outings. His scrawny frame has supposedly packed on some pounds in recent months so he now has the physique to complement his skill set. Again, I don’t know enough about Howard to form a proper opinion but his last fight (and UFC debut) was a less than impressive split decision victory.

I like McCrory’s unorthodox style and with nearly a foot in height difference between the two (McCrory’s 6’4 while Howard’s 5’7) I see him taking full advantage of Howard’s one-dimensional approach.

McCrory unanimous decision.

Middleweight: Thales Leites vs. Alessio ‘Legionarius’ Sakara

I’m not really sure how a fighter can go from pay-per-view headliner to prelim afterthought. I suppose that’s how seriously the UFC took Thales Leites middleweight title challenge. However, Leites returns against an opponent clearly fed to him so he can reclaim a little pride after April’s abomination against Anderson Silva.

Sakara has zero ground game and Leites is a black belt in jiu-jitsu. This is an equation that offers an obvious result. Sakara’s only hope is that Leites is stupid enough to try and bang with him, as the former professional boxer should effortlessly win that. Nonetheless, the Italian won’t get a chance as Leites will have him on the ground and tapping in no time. Leites submission in the 1^st.

Lightweight: Shane Nelson vs. Aaron Riley

This is a rematch following a controversial stoppage in favour of Nelson this past March. I didn’t see that fight, all I know is that decision cost me about £180 in a tenner accumulator.

My choice remains the same as it did for the first fight. Riley will be too aggressive for Nelson and will steamroll the Hawaiian with some vicious ground-and-pound retribution. Riley TKO in the 1^st.

Middleweight: Matthew Riddle vs. Dan Cramer

Two Ultimate Fighter combatants square off here in what appears to be a fairly even contest. Both are just beginning their MMA careers, but the UFC top brass are definitely looking at Riddle to excel.

While these two have similar styles, the one difference seems to be in power. This is where Riddle should win the fight. I imagine it will be a scrappy affair, but Riddle’s core strength will see him through.

Riddle unanimous decision.

Welterweight: George Sotiropoulos vs. George Roop

Roop doesn’t really have anything outside of some decent striking. Sotiropoulos has good jiu-jitsu and an overall power that Roop won’t be able to match. The obvious result sees Sotiropoulos overwhelm his smaller opponent for us never to hear from Roop again. Sotiropoulos submission in the 1^st.

Welterweight: Jesse Lennox vs. Danillo ‘Indio’ Villefort

These two are making their UFC debuts and I’m not going to pretend to anything about either. From what I’ve read it should be Villefort’s to lose and the odds suggest that as well. Villefort submission in the 2^nd.

The betting odds for many of these fights have been a lot better than recent events. There’s decent value in a few here so me and my boy Moore have picked 7 of the 11 for our accumulator. They are as follows:

Kendall Grove
Amir Sadollah
Josh Neer
Tamden McCrory
Thales Leites
Aaron Riley
Matthew Riddle

This gave us odds of 31/1. And despite a current streak of 0-6, I’m surprisingly confident. Hopefully this’ll be the first deposit in the ‘Vegas’ fund. It’s happening.

(The) Mothers of Invention

2009-08-07T09:24:00.001-07:00

So Ryan's done his team. Here's mine:

I stuck to the two-players-from-one-team rule. It's a nice constraint.

I went with Jose Reina in goal. I think this is a safe option to get some points. Oh balls, I just realised I have three Liverpool players now. I added Johnson after another change. There goes the rule. OK, changing Reina to Cech. Reina I originally chose because he was the cheapest of the big three, and I think Foster is a risk for a permanent slot, despite VdS's injury. Ha, Cech's picture is better than Reina's. He has his protective hat on and is shouting. I think Chelsea have just scored a goal. Or perhaps he just saved a penalty. This made me smile.

My defence is less of the midfielder-cum-defender style that Ryan went for. I'm not sure what the style of mine is. I changed my mind a few times. Glen Johnson is probably the safest player here. If he settles into the team and doesn't do a Robbie Keane. Jagielka I'm not sure if he's going to be fit for the start of the season. I should probably look into that. Everton do OK with clean sheets, and Jagielka pops up with stuff now and then. Onuoha I don't have a clue about, to be honest. I'm curious about Man City and want to see if he might pick up some points on the sly. I'll probably transfer him out. Rafael seems like a decent punt at 3 mil. He might not play much. I'll see how it goes.

(Oh, I also went with a 4-3-3. It seems the easy option but I might mix it up during the season. Can we do that? I hope so.)

Gerrard is my other guaranteed points-getter. I think he is value for money. Kranjcar is a cheap option. I've liked watching him play for Portsmouth. I think how good he is will depend on how Portsmouth start the season. Barry Ferguson is sort of a joke choice. But McLeish loves him. I think he has a chance of doing well. He takes a lot of free-kicks and penalties. But he didn't do that well the last time he left Rangers. I will probably transfer him out. When he moved to Blackburn I thought he would do well. I don't particularly think that now. This feels a bit cruel.

I hope Wayne Rooney does well this season. It seems that Ronaldo leaving might be the best thing for his career. We'll see. Robbie Keane should hopefully be back to normal this year. And Agbonlahor has so much potential that I think he is worth trying. I am a bit worried that all of my strikers tend to have dry spells. I will have some money to play with if they don't work. It seemed too easy to go for Anelka as well as Gerrard. I may regret this later in the season.

I think I am most worried that some of the players I picked won't even play. This would be embarrassing. I am looking forward to this making me more active in my following the Premier League.

Fantasy Football Team

2009-08-07T02:44:00.000-07:00

Every year I pick a fantasy football XI. Every year I don’t do very well. One year I tried to pick a team made up entirely of players with the surname Taylor, with Ricardo Vaz Te and Stern John upfront. That was a particularly bad year.

This year I’ve decided to tell you about the team I’ve picked. Think of my selections as a guide on who you should probably not pick. Prices come from the Telegraph Fantasy Football game. I’ve picked a 4-3-3 formation and limit myself to 2 players from each team, that’s not an official rule I just think it’s more sporting.

Ben Foster – Manchester United (£3.0)

Even before van der Sar's injury I pencilled in Foster this year. If he claims the number 1 spot you'll have a cheap keeper playing regularly, sweet.

Stephen Warnock – Blackburn Rovers (£3.5)

The Blackburn full back often pushes into midfield, he scored 3 goals last season and plays regularly.

Yuri Zhirkov – Chelsea (£4.2)

This is a bit of a gamble as I haven't seen him play that much but he could make the position on the left of Ancelloti's diamond his own. Another defender playing in midfield.

Graham Alexander – Burnley (£3.0)

This one is probably my biggest folly. I just really like the Coventry born Scotland international. Coyle deployed him as a holding midfielder last year and he managed to score 9 goals.

Herita Ilunga – West Ham (£3.6)

Another attacking full back Ilunga bagged a lot of points last term in an improving West Ham team.

Marouane Fellaini – Everton (£3.7)

The big Fella (ahem) looked impressive last season and is a cheaper alternative to the equally useful Cahill and Arteta.

Andrei Arshavin – Arsenal (£5.5)

The diminutive Russian looks like he is going to be key to the Arsenal set up this season. Playing in a system that will give him license to roam and get goals.

Martin Petrov – Manchester City (£3.1)

I didn't want to go for any City players as it's almost impossible to pick out who will start regularly. Arguably Petrov hugging the left hand side might give them some balance.

I'm rethinking this one already.

Eduardo – Arsenal (£5.3)

It looks like Wenger might start the season with van Persie on his own upfront. On the evidence of van Persie's performance against Atletico Madrid it wont be long before Eduardo is introduced as he is more naturally suited to the role (with van Persie dropping in behind).

Michael Owen – Manchester United (£6.2)

It's got to happen hasn't it? He will get goals, wont he?

Fernando Torres – Liverpool (£7.0)

A full season without injury could bring a 20 goal return for the brilliant Spaniard.

Le Tour

2009-07-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

It seems a bit perverse to get obsessed with the Tour de France just because I ride a bike everyday. Like if I became really interested in the socio-cultural implications of the design of change-pockets, just because I keep my money in them sometimes. It's an almost incidental connection that I could make with thousands of things. (Obviously our interests have to come from somewhere. This is just the conceit for allowing me to think aloud about why I like the race. Hello, journalistic conventions!)

So why do I get so into the Tour?

I know that what these riders do on a bike is not what I do on a bike. I cannot cycle at an average speed of 25 mph consistently for up to five hours. I do not strip the frame of my bike of non-essential components to make it as light as possible. I don't have a car following me everywhere I go to provide me with food, water, and a spare bike if mine gets a puncture at an inopportune moment.

I'm not a hardcore cyclist. I don't have a track bike, or even a road bike. I've got a Ridgeback Hybrid (ugly and inelegant, but at least it's lighter than the Dutch cruisers I rode in Amsterdam last week). I don't have any interest in doing what the Tour racers do. I don't wear lycra. I use my bike for getting from place to place. Which is what they do, too, but they make this travelling into an occupation, into the definition of their existence. But there's something about this vicarious experience that persists. It's a fundamental part of our experience with sport. We enjoy watching it because we imagine we could do it. To make a somewhat obvious point.

I ride my bike everyday. The start of the summer season combined with mounting financial pressures (insert "there's a recession?" gag here) has made me into a bit of a fascist on this front. I'll only use public transport in London now in certain drunken situations (and I have to be close to blindingly so for this to happen). Combined with watching the ITV4 highlights of the previous day of the Tour with my breakfast, this means that whenever I cycle I'm doing some imaginative recreation of yesterday's events.

When I'm having a good day on my bike (read: two breakfasts, not carrying my laptop, and none of this insane wind we've been having this week) I do a lot of over-taking. The day after Alberto Contador's attack on Stage 7, when he accelerated away from the rest of the race favourites to become the virtual maillot jaune, every time I put in a burst of speed to get round a fellow commuter, I was Contador. Lifting myself out of the saddle and powering up hill, leaving that cocky Yank, the upstart Brit, and those lookalike Luxembourgians behind.

Going round corners downhill becomes much more fun with the psychic context of the Tour. Cycling through a corner is one of the most exhilarating things you can do on a bike. Head down, the wind rushing past you, bending close the road but not quite hitting it. It's like being on a rollercoaster! Just don't do it like Jens Voigt, who skidded 50m after a high-speed crash over a bump in the road. I've wrecked a couple of pedals in the past with these antics, but that's all so far.

If I was more patriotic, I'd be Mark Cavendish whenever I stand out of the saddle to sprint through a traffic light that's about to change to red. I've got fuck-all stamina, but when it comes to raw speed, I'm one of the best you'll see trundling through the lights at Kings Cross when I probably should've just slowed down and waited.

When I'm having a bad day, going up Camden New Road and down to my lowest gear, people walking past me faster than I'm cycling, I'm Lance Armstrong's struggling 37-year-old body, just physically incapable of matching the freakish acceleration of Contador. I'm wondering why I ever got back on this bike. Why didn't I take the Tube? And I always forget my rain cape, too.

What's going to happen to me after Sunday? Start looking forward to next July, I guess. I mean, it's not like there's any other bike races going on, is there?

(Photo by Joe Shlabotnik)

UFC 100

2009-07-11T05:59:00.000-07:00

Our resident UFC expert Paul Morris gives us a rundown of UFC 100.

This Saturday sees the Ultimate Fighting Championship pass the century mark as the Mandalay Bay Events Centre in Las Vegas, Nevada plays host to UFC100. It’s quite staggering how far the UFC has come in the years I’ve been watching. From headbutts and groin punches to the three rounds 10-point must system to reality television to monthly PPVs, maybe UFC President Dana White’s boast of MMA being the “biggest sport in the world in ten years time” isn’t as implausible as it seems. I mean, it won’t be. There are way too many powerful detractors who still view MMA as two geezers going at it inside a cage. However Saturday’s milestone, which will unquestionably by the biggest ever grossing MMA event, is another massive step in a direction that can’t be long ignored.

Anyway, the point of this column is that for about a year now me and my mate Moore have been routinely betting on each UFC card (PPV and TV events). Of a 10-11 fight card, we’ll pick winners for several fights (usually 7 as a minimum) and place a £10 accumulator. While we’re not raking in huge money, our winnings certainly outweigh our losses. At times we’ve been lucky and at other times we’ve been very unlucky (I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Josh Koscheck for losing to Paulo Thiago). It genuinely adds to the viewing experience and helps us learn more about this most unpredictable, exciting, devastating and intelligent of sports.

Now I’m by no means an expert. Far from it. But I have a healthy interest in MMA and this column (if you want to call it that) is just a small extension of what I’d discuss with Moore when deciding fights and outcomes. So what I’m going to do is note down a few thoughts on each fight plus a prediction of the winner (Ed. I actually got a little carried away with the first 3 bouts). There’s no doubt I’ll have reconsider my picks after speaking at length with Moore, but what you’ll essentially read is my gut.

Let’s start at the top…

UFC Heavyweight Championship – unification bout: Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir

Despite being almost 18 months since they last fought, the problems that face each fighter pretty much remain the same. Can Mir’s exceptional jiu-jitsu combat Lesnar’s furious ground-and-pound? Can Lesnar’s dynamic wrestling negate Mir’s submission talents? Both were impressive in their last outing, in particularly Mir who showed much improved stand-up to dominate and stop the unstoppable ‘Minotauro’ Nogueria. Lesnar has fists the size of a Coventry head and while not exactly smooth on his feet, his power means he can change a fight with the merest (that’s not intentional) of blows.

I can see there being a round of feeling out before Lesnar’s unable to control the gung-ho nutbag inside of him as he dumps Frank on his back. From there I think it’s a question of how much has Brock evolved as a mixed martial artist. If it’s a lot then I see him overpowering Mir and methodically raining down forearms and hammerfists until the ref steps in. However, if the word “methodical” remains absent from Lesnar’s vocabulary, he’ll no doubt present Mir with enough of an opportunity to grab a limb to take home with him.

While the value’s with Mir, I’m optimistic Brock has grown sufficiently enough to subdue Frank’s ground game and finish what he started a year and a half ago. Lesnar TKO in the 2nd.

UFC Welterweight Championship: Georges ‘Rush’ St Pierre vs. Thiago ‘Pitbull’ Alves

GSP is about as good as it gets right now. His dismantling of both Jon Fitch and BJ Penn (in spite of the “greased up” allegations) proved that he has the ‘big game’ temperament to go along with probably the most well rounded skill set in MMA. Thiago Alves rightfully earned his shot with 7 straight wins, the last two being the brutal TKO of Matt Hughes and a surprisingly mature and accomplished unanimous decision over Josh Koscheck. In the Koscheck fight Alves displayed excellent takedown defence against one of the division’s best wrestlers, something he’ll have to demonstrate again if he’s to stand any chance against the whirlwind that is GSP.

Alves’ power is undisputable (he’ll probably enter the fight at close to 200lbs) and he’ll no doubt have the edge standing. A slight question still hovers over how good GSP’s chin really is and Alves looks like the perfect opponent to test it. GSP, however, will test Alves at every turn. While having all the ability in the word, the one significant advantage GSP has over Alves is stamina. Alves has documented problems with weight cutting and this, plus the frenzied pace GSP will set, could put the ‘Pitbull’ in a world he’s never been to.

Alves has a chance if he can keep this thing on its feet and utilise his devastating leg kicks to set up the big finish. For that to happen though, GSP will have to have an off day and I honestly can’t see it happening. I fancy GSP to stay elusive and seize one of the many opportunities Alves will hand him to take it downtown. From there GSP will be relentless in his attack, tying Alves in knots with his superior ground game and forcing the tap out. GSP submission in the 2nd.

Middleweight: ‘Hollywood’ Dan ‘Hendo’ Henderson vs. Michael ‘The Count’ Bisping

While this may very well be the most boring match on the main card, it’ll no doubt be the most anxious I’ll be all night (unless I’ve got 300 bones riding on an unseen prelim). For all his arrogance, hyperbole, lack of name opponents, the assumption he’s Dana’s ‘boy’, I’m a fan of Michael Bisping. Partly because he’s British, partly because of his awesome deadpan delivery of “you’re living in a dream world” on the third season of The Ultimate Fighter, but also partly because I think he’s a decent, intelligent mixed martial artist. Across from him is Dan Henderson; a man with an incomparable CV of opponents and as much experience as anyone still fighting today.

Henderson has the superior wrestling, ground-and-pound and power to go along with his granite chin. Bisping is a technically better striker who will look to utilise punches, knees and kicks to always be scoring. Both will prefer it kept standing but both will have entirely different approaches. Henderson will want drag Bisping into a brawl whereas Bisping will want to frustrate Henderson into making a mistake by picking at him and staying elusive. This combination makes for a potentially dull fight which is why I fully expect Henderson to shoot for the takedown once he realises Bisping is going to anything but stand there and exchange. The one real advantage I feel Bisping has is in stamina as Henderson has noticeably tired in all four of his UFC fights.

It’s tough to call this one and the safe money would be for Henderson to wrestle his way to a decision. However, despite the first round in the Anderson Silva fight, Henderson has far from impressed me in his second UFC run and looks nothing like the fighter who wore two belts in Pride. Maybe I’m blinded by hope but I feel Bisping has enough to keep Henderson at bay and grind out the judges favour.
Bisping split decision (29-28).

Welterweight: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago

Jon Fitch is an uncomplicated wrestler who continually comes forward and pushes the pace. Prior to the GSP defeat, Fitch had amassed an 8-0 record that was built on him overwhelming and dominating fighters with this no-nonsense style. Paulo Thiago is coming in off the back of an unlikely TKO of Fitch’s teammate Josh Koscheck. Despite that result shattering my acca dreams, Thaigo looked anything but convincing. He was never given the opportunity to show off his jiu-jitsu and looked decidedly out of his depth until that one-in-a-million haymaker.

I don’t expect Fitch to have too many problems with Thaigo. The fight will undoubtedly end up in the mat and while the Brazilian may feel comfortable there, I don’t believe he’ll be able to stop the onslaught Fitch will have for him.
Fitch TKO in the 1st.

Middleweight: Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Alan ‘The Talent’ Belcher

I don’t really know too much about Akiyama. I’ve seen a couple of his more recent fights in Japan, and while he looked decent, I’m not entirely sure if he’s deserving of the acclaim heaped upon him by much of the MMA community. That being said, Belcher has never looked like having the necessary to take that step up to the next level. Fundamentally a kickboxer, Belcher will utilise his accomplished striking to stay away from Akiyama’s clinch. If he gets caught, Akiyama will take him down the hard way with one of his bad-ass judo throws. If it ends up there, it won’t belong before Belcher has to give it up.

Bottom line is Belcher isn’t good enough to keep this thing standing for three rounds, possibly even one. It’ll inevitably find its way to the floor and that’ll be enough to see Akiyama victorious in his UFC debut. Akiyama submission in the 1st.

Light Heavyweight: Mark ‘The Hammer’ Coleman vs. ‘The American Psycho’ Stephan Bonner

After the farce that was his last fight, Coleman shouldn’t really be anywhere near an Octagon. Watching him despairingly stumble through three rounds as ‘Shogun’ awkwardly tried to finish him was one hell of an embarrassing sight. There won’t be a repeat of that this time. Bonnar is technically proficient enough to finish this fight standing while Coleman’s gas tank remains the same. Even if Coleman is able to evoke the wrestling monster from yesteryear, Bonnar’s grappling will get him back to his feet or find an opening to for a submission.

I can’t see anything other than a Bonnar victory. He might break a couple of knuckles on Coleman‘s head in the process but he’ll eventually throw one too many right hands that will fell this crazy old bastard. And to think, Coleman was once in line to face Brock Lesnar. That could have been serious. Bonnar TKO in the 2nd.

Lightweight: Mac Danzig vs. Jim Miller

This is likely to be a close fight that will see both go at full pelt for the entire 15 minutes. Danzig will prefer to keep it standing with the crisper, cleaner striking while Miller’s wrestling advantage means he’ll probably want to get this to the floor quick sharp. If Danzig can avoid the takedown and connect sufficiently, he can really take Miller out of his game. If Miller can get it to the ground he can dominate from the top and inflict a third straight loss for the former Ultimate Fighter winner.

Miller’s one dimensional yet effective top game rightly him favourite. But I like Danzig to stay away from the takedown and keep busy on his feet as he causes enough damage on his way to taking a majority decision. Danzig majority decision.

Light Heavyweight: Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones vs. Jake O’Brien

Boasting easily my favourite name in MMA today, Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones did actually look like the real deal in his last fight against Stephan Bonnar. He is an untamed ball of energy with extravagant striking and explosive wrestling. O’Brien is an orthodox wrestler who is moving down from Heavyweight. His only prominent win came against Heath Herring but that was more to do with Herring’s inadequacies than O’Brien’s ability.

I’m not sure what the cut will be like for O’Brien, but I suspect it will only facilitate the inevitable. I see Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones overwhelming O’Brien with his powerful offence and making short work the Irish-American. Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones TKO in the 1st.

Welterweight: Dong Hyun ‘Stun Gun’ Kim vs. T.J Grant

In his last two fights, Kim has been on either end of two split decision (the second of which was overturned into a no contest). He showed he is a game competitor as well as an excellent grappler. Unknown Grant made an impressive against Ryo Chonan when he also got the better of a split decision victory. He displayed decent all round skills to trouble the Japanese fighter both on the feet and ground.

This all points to an evenly contested 15 minute war and I can’t see anything but. I’m going to take Kim over Grant because I’m a sucker for a judoka. I think he’ll consistently score with trips and throws and keep plenty busy in top position.
Kim majority decision.

Middleweight: ‘The Doberman’ CB Dollaway vs. Tom ‘The Filthy Mauler’ Lawlor

These are two excellent wrestlers who’ll rely on versatile striking to set up the foreseeable takedown. Unfortunately for Lawlor, I think CB has the advantage in both areas. Lawlor has the requisite ‘puncher’s chance’ but I think CB and his heir lip will make short work of ‘The Filthy Mauler’ (good nickname though) once it hits the ground. Dollaway submission in the 1st.

Lightweight: Matt ‘The Real One’ Grice vs. Shannon Gugerty

I’m not going to pretend to know too much about these two. I remember seeing Grice get caught in a crowd-pleasing triangle by Terry Etim at UFC70 and similarly Gugerty to Spencer Fisher in his last outing. Of the two though, Gugerty looked the much more accomplished, and was fairing well against ‘The King’ before he was stopped. I expect this to be tight but favour Gugerty due to his proficient jiu-jitsu and Grice’s bull-headed approach. Gugerty submission in the 3rd.

It’s a very tight card so I couldn’t even tell you now how many or whom will go into our accumulator. A lot will depend on how much Moore’s opinions differ from mine and what the value is on a lot of the fighters. The favourites are really short priced and there isn’t the usual value in the underdogs to risk it. My selections would give you an 11-fold of ridiculous proportions (which I might have a cheeky quid on), but I would recommend that. There’s always going to be a surprising result or decision, it’s a case of being lucky enough to pick where there’ll occur.

Team of the Season

2009-06-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just as Sky begins to advertise for forthcoming pre-season friendlies Paul Morris and I finally complete our Team of the Season selection. Perhaps selection over email wasn't the best idea?

First XI

Mark Schwarzer

I’ve never been a massive fan of Schwarzer. He always appears a bit stiff and doesn’t generally contain the kind of athleticism I like to see in my keepers. And while I still have that opinion, I can’t argue with some of the displays he’s put in since his arrival at Craven Cottage. Having escaped relegation on goal difference last year, Fulham have taken points off all the top four this term with Schwarzer keeping clean sheets against three of them. His most notable all-action performance came in the 2-0 home victory over Man Utd that, momentarily, put Liverpool back in the title race. Integral to Fulham’s lofty European hopes.

Bacary Sagna

Probably the hardest position to pick for considering it’s been a pretty lean year for standout right backs. Although Sagna was selected for 2008’s official team, he still receives minimal fanfare outside of the Emirates. Certainly one of Wenger’s more astute recent signings, Sagna is proving to be an excellent complement to the similarly energetic Clichy. Very competent defensively, he’s clearly not out of his depth going forward either. Fast, strong, committed, Arsene could do with a few more like him.

Brede Hangeland

Bit of a no-brainer this choice as the Norwegian captain has really optimised the phrase “towering presence”. Hangeland reads the game well, is comfortable in possession, commanding in the air and, similarly to the much eulogised Nemanja Vidic, loves defending. Will doubtlessly be the subject of interest from many top clubs before the August transfer deadline, but will need to choose his destination carefully as to not fall foul of that “one season wonder” tag.

Phil Jagielka

Nothing short of phenomenal this season, Jags has been an outstanding blend of composure, practicality, awareness and consistency. While England’s captain still flatters to deceive, the former Blade is routinely turning in weekly performances that certainly deserve more recognition. However it was his shackling displays of Fernando Torres that made people realise this was more than just another Northern utility player. Jags fittingly scored the winning penalty to take Everton to the FA Cup Final, only to tragically rupture his ACL a week later. A cruel blow but not one that should sour an exceptional campaign.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Initially chosen due to the unfortunate and underwhelming Gareth Bale, Assou-Ekotto has rapidly repaid Redknapp’s faith with some very competent displays. Established as first choice left-back, he has played a large part in Tottenham’s resurgence, underlined by his impressive performance opposite the people’s favourite Ronaldo in this year’s Carling Cup Final. Out of the same mould as compatriots Evra and Clichy, Assou-Ekotto gets up and the down with ease, comfortable in either defence or attack.

James Milner

I’m not sure of the Opta stats, but I’d be surprised if there’s a more hardworking player in the Premier League. Having spent the first few years of his career filling in gaps, Milner has since carved himself out as a genuine winger. While he hasn’t received the same accolades as his quicker, flashier teammates, Milner’s success is in his simplicity. He doesn’t overcomplicate his play and the results mean he’ll be a more than useful player for a very long time. Furthermore, with over 40 Under-21 caps, what’s the brother got to do to get a senior one?

Wilson Palacios

It’s no coincidence that Palacios’ departure from Wigan and arrival at Tottenham resulted in regression for the former and progression for the latter. He added much needed steel to a lightweight Spurs midfield while leaving a seemingly insurmountable void in Wigan’s. At his most impressive breaking up and launching attacks, the Honduras international appears to be a very good piece of business at £12 million (as ridiculous as that sounds). Passed over by Wenger two years back, the Arsenal manager would probably give all the berets and baguettes in the world for a time machine.

Stephen Ireland

Who could have foretold that a man only known for novelty underwear and being the worst liar EVER would end up being one of the most exciting and dynamic footballers of the year. Despite looking like a greasy light bulb, Stephen Ireland has been a revelation for Man City this term. He has shown poise, creativity and an incisiveness that hasn’t been evident in seasons past. Clearly thrived playing alongside Robinho, it’ll be interesting to see if Ireland can remain such an influence following what is likely to be a tumultuous summer at Eastlands.

Tim Cahill

If a better 1.5 million has been spent in the last 10 years then I can’t think of it. Cahill is the perennial ‘impact’ player. His exploits are by now no secret, but Cahill continues to influence the game in the same way: the opposition’s 18 yard box. In tandem with the differently physical yet potentially as dangerous Fellaini, Cahill led Everton’s attack when they had none. Is as important to Everton as Lampard is to Chelsea, Gerrard is to Liverpool and Fabregas is to Arsenal.

Matt Taylor

A hardworking and versatile player, Taylor has really impressed in a wholly uninspiring Bolton team. He has always had an eye for goal but this season has seen his best return with a league tally entering double figures. Obviously enjoying playing further forward, Taylor has settled in very well as the left hand side of a 4-3-3 or 4-5-1. His dangerously accurate left boot has not only paid dividends for him, but it serves battering rams Elmander and Davies quite nicely as well.

Kevin Davies

I’m not a fan of Sam Allardyce. That’s another rant for another day. But while he’s no longer associated with Bolton, his accomplishments and influence cannot be overlooked and are still very much evident. This is embodied by Kevin Davies; a no-nonsense centre forward who leads the line with strength and aggression. His limits as a player are obvious, but Davies’ years at Bolton have seen him adapt his game to be a consistently effective performer at the top level. Has had the best goalscoring season of his career, that saw him catch the eye of Fabio Capello (albeit briefly).

Substitutes

Chris Kirkland

Kirkland’s constant injuries have regrettably robbed us of a genuinely international class goalkeeper. And while he may have individually underachieved throughout his career, his performances for Wigan mean they continue to overachieve. It’s a testament to Kirkland’s natural ability that he’s been able to help the smallest club in the league (probably 3 leagues) stay afloat the last few years. Similar to Ledley King, he only “does” match days. But this curbed training regiment is obviously working for the pair as they’ve both enjoyed their most successful season in a good while. Might be the way forward.

Michael Turner

A complete unknown to most, Turner was a prominent figure in Hull’s magnificent start to the season. With eye-catching performances against Arsenal and Liverpool, Turner was mentioned for an England call up that few could have argued with. The turn of the year saw Hull plummet from Europe to relegation, but Turner has been the unmistakable bright spark of The Tigers retched 2009. Will no doubt incur the advances of many teams this summer.

Herita Ilunga

Another relatively unfamiliar name, Ilunga was signed on a season-long loan by Alan Curbishley about 10 minutes before he was unceremoniously sacked. Under Gianfranco Zola Ilunga he has proven to be an excellent acquisition, acclimatising to the Premiership comfortably. Typical of modern day full backs, he is as capable in his own half as he is the oppositions. Ilunga’s consistent displays established him as regular in the first XI and culminated in him signing a permanent deal at Upton Park.

Stiliyan Petrov

After two underwhelming seasons at Villa, Petrov finally started to justify the hype this year with a number of commanding performances alongside Gareth Barry. Playing a lot deeper than he (and we) were accustomed to, Petrov has flourished with this additional time and space in which to operate. Most surprisingly Petrov has shown added ‘bite’ to his game, assuming a great deal of defensive responsibility that was never previously associated with his game.

Steven Pienaar

During his initial loan spell, Steven Pienaar visibly struggled with the strength and pace of the English Premiership. But David Moyes saw enough to make the diminutive South African’s move permanent (for a mere £2 million). Since then Pienaar has asserted himself as an integral member of the team, developing an almost telepathic understanding with Leighton Baines down Everton’s left. After the devastating injury to Mikel Arteta, Pienaar was looked to to provide much of the team’s creative impetus. He didn’t disappoint as Everton reached the FA Cup Final and cemented their league status as ‘best of the rest’.

Peter Crouch

Despite being one of the most high profile English strikers of the past 5 years, Crouch still gains more negative attention than positive. Crouch didn’t get off to the best of starts when he returned to Fratton Park as ‘Appy ‘Arry upped and left for Spurs and Tony Adams struggled to inspire as a manager the same way he did as a player. With the club disillusioned, Crouch unselfishly put himself before the team (unlike Defoe) and got to work trying to rejuvenate the FA Cup holders. His eventual tally of 11 went more than a long way to keeping Pompey afloat, but it was Crouch’s all round work ethic that was significantly more key to their survival.

Ricardo Fuller

In possessing the most physically imposing team in the top tier, Stoke are an illustration of what heart, determination and often brute force can achieve. Hidden inside these behemoths is Ricardo Fuller, a bit of a journeyman striker who has been unable to reproduce his Championship success at the highest level. But his talents are evident (particularly in an one-dimensional Stoke side) and winning goals against Aston Villa and Arsenal helped banish the Potters as an afterthought. Fuller’s injury, attitude and disciplinary problems are never far away, but when firing on all cylinders his pace, power and skill are a handful for anybody.

Froch Keeps Title and Gets Big Reward

2009-06-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

Second article from our boxing obsessed contributor, Wizzy.

So Carl Froch extended his unbeaten record (25-0) and did so with a dramatic late KO win over Jermain Taylor. I watched it and was again baffled by the level to which Froch can persistently put on master-classes in how not to box yet still come away with the win. His technical faults appear to be endless; he is adept at parrying shots with his face, moves his head with all the sublime dexterity of a man in a neck brace, walks forward as he punches and relies too heavily on singly shots…yet has never tasted defeat as a pro.

He was completely outclassed for about ten rounds and got dropped in the process. Taylor’s jab was rooted to his chin and he seemed to be moving on fast forward compared to Carl who bore a strong resemblance to a man caught in quicksand but then, in the final straight, Taylor’s heart broke. He had blasted Carl with everything he had but still the bar room slugger piled forward, Taylor had boxed the ears of him but McCracken – Froch’s trainer – was not about to throw in the towel and, ultimately, Taylor’s always suspect stamina reserves were spent. Froch knocked him out with fourteen seconds left in the fight. It was dramatic, edge of the seat stuff but the lingering thought remained: How on Earth does he do it?

Watching the fight, puzzled by the technical inadequacies of a former Amateur success story and professional World Champion, I was reminded by the story of Rocky Marciano and his trainer Charley Goldman. Marciano retired undefeated from Heavyweight Boxing, the only champion to do so (49-0). However, the fact is that from a technical standpoint, he was crap. You would never teach a kid to fight like he did. His own trainer, Goldman, once said in relation to Marciano that, ‘If he did anything right, I didn’t see it’. It feels like that watching Froch which is precisely the reason why I can not wait for the touted fight between Froch and Lucian Bute (which I think is unfortunately actually pronounced B’yoo-tay).

Bute, thankfully, suffers from the same affliction as Froch, in that he is incapable of raising his hands above waist-height, hates his own face and does not believe in the fallibility of the human frame. It is the perfect ingredient for an armchair fan: Two fighters who have absolutely no regard for their own physical features.

It should be a cracker and I wish Froch all the best, not because he has the skills of Ray Leonard or the speed of Joan Guzman but because he makes the fights in the Rocky films look like a pile of puke. I was lucky enough to be in attendance at the Froch vs Pascal fight where again Froch sacrificed himself at the altar of viewer entertainment and for that, and the fact that he is our only current World Champion, we should be thankful. Bring on Bute and may the slugfests continue.

DeGale and the ‘Boo-Boys’

2009-06-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

A guest post this week from the mysterious boxing maniac only know as 'Wizzy'.

The Olympians have racked up a few wins now and, supposedly, the most shocking revelation of those first few fights was the fact that James Degale, the Olympic Gold medallist, got a rough reaction from the fans. The commentators and pundits on Sky were all outraged and baffled as to why he got booed on his debut and received what I heard called a ‘mixed reaction’ in his second fight. I guess the mix in the mixed reaction was those who booed and those who did nothing as it just sounded like a poor reaction all around to me.

The reaction, in both fights, is not that difficult to comprehend. I was at his debut and the excuse peddled by some, that Darren Sutherland’s fans were the ones booing (Darren Sutherland having lost in Beijing to DeGale) was nonsense – loads of people were getting involved. In fact, the excuses were getting so tenuous that I half expected a Smithers-esque pundit to come out saying that they were actually chanting ‘Boo-urns, Boo-urns’. The reason for the booing can be found in the comments that DeGale made before he had even got his professional gloves on: That two British Champions, Wayne Elcock and Brian Magee, were effectively nobodies.

The charge was reminiscent of the Audley Harrison approach to the transition from the amateur to the pro ranks, shout your mouth off about well liked, longstanding British fighters and set yourself up for a fall – not that there is any chance of him screwing anything up like Audley did, that became an artform in itself. Surely the first thing a promoter says to a rookie boxer these days is, ‘Don’t do an Audley Harrison’. Unfortunately, it would appear that DeGale took this to be a challenge, throw in the fact that the performance itself, in his debut, was lacklustre with a couple of referee warnings about slapping his opponent and the fuse was lit.

So, it was not an issue that required Columbo; Criticise popular professional British boxers before you have even taken your headguard off and you face an uphill struggle to become the next Frank Bruno in the eyes of the public. Oh, and did I mention that DeGale’s debut was in Birmingham and that Wayne Elcock is from Birmingham? Or the fact that Brian Magee is from Northern Ireland and Degale’s second fight was in Belfast? Like I said, not rocket science.

If You Read One Article This Week...

2009-05-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

...make it the Guardian's From-the-Vault on Celtic's Lisbon Lion's European Cup victory. This is the stuff I grew up with. This is why I love football. This is what I believe in:

"Inter will play it defensively. That's their way and it's their
business. But we feel we have a duty to play the game our way, and our way is to attack. Win or lose, we want to make the game worth remembering. Just to be involved in an occasion like this is a tremendous honour and we think it puts an obligation on us. We can be as hard and professional as anybody, but I mean it when I say that we don't just want to win this cup. We want to win it playing good football, to make neutrals glad we've done it, glad to remember how we did it."
Jock Stein.

You can't say fairer than that for a philosophy of football.

Look out for some end-of-season features next week!

Artsoccer - Empty Set

2009-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Tommy Ogden is one half of Empty Set (the left half in this photo). Their debut album, As neat as a new pin, can be bought from Tough Love Records, now!

Q. Liverpool!? I thought you were from Rochdale or somewhere near?

I've been a bit nomadic really. I'm shamefully (or sensibly) reticent about this, but I'm actually Welsh and lived on the island of Anglesey 'til I was five. Then I moved to Ellesmere Port, which is on the Wirral just on the other side of the Mersey and entirely Liverpool, Everton or Tranmere Rovers. Of my own accord I might've been a young Tranmere fan: I remember the first kit I had was Tranmere, my U12s team used to play next to their training pitch and I really liked John
Aldridge and Pat Nevin. My mum and dad are both from Liverpool though, and both love LFC, so I'm sure I was properly indoctrinated. My mum is a Gerrard from Huyton, born in Whiston hospital just like our Stevie.

I moved to Rochdale when I was 11, and quickly found it was United territory there. I took a few dead arms for my support of the enemy. I'd arrived with the accent too, so the nickname 'scouse' stuck with me through school even though I'd probably lost it after a year.

Q. But you live in Manchester now?

I've been living in the centre of Manchester for about two and a half years; just down the canal from Eastlands (The Council Ground). I enjoy hearing all the City fans walking past my window after matches, but sometimes the police close off the street to march away fans back
to Piccadilly, and that's annoying when I'm trying to get to the Co-op.

Q. I hate Liverpool, absolutely detest them. There’s no specific reason for this although I’m sure some of it comes from my Dad’s hatred of the "United of his day", do you encounter that attitude
much?

Ha! I can imagine they were a bit irritating in the 70s and 80s, yeah. No-one likes a dominating team, rightly. Of course, I started following them after they'd stopped winning anything, so I can't say I've ever really encountered much hatred from supporters of other clubs apart from United. I went to Old Trafford for the Liverpool match a couple of seasons ago and sat in the home end hiding my alleigence. That was a bit indimidating.

Q. How often do you get to Anfield?

Shamefully I haven't been at all this season. My weekends always seem to be spent travelling around. I'm always down there in cocking London! The past few years I've probably been to three or four games a season with my dad.

Q. This season promised so much barely two months ago, is it time for the luckiest manager in the history of football to move on or are you brainwashed enough into thinking that Benitez is some kind of tactical genius?

I'll paraphrase Shankly, "the harder we work, the luckier we seem to get". Benitez is a tactical genius, as you will have seen in the demolitions of Real Madrid and United! He spends any time he's not thinking about football playing chess, which I think you can see the way he positions and maneuvers players on a field so deliberately. I know it's sometimes 'boring' as it doesn't fit the celebrated English method of 11 mindless goons lumbering around for 90 minutes throwing
themselves at everything, John Terry style, but I like to see ideas being played out and Benitez is a grandmaster.

Q. It’s a simplistic view and not one that I particularly believe but it’s a common conception that Liverpool are over reliant on Gerrard and Torres, care to argue the case against (you’ll immediately fail if you mention the words Lucas or Leiva)?

Those two are among the best attacking players in the world, so of course we're going to be less dangerous without them. We have other world-class players like Alonso and Mascherano, who've both been outstanding this season, but up front we don't have enough back up
just now if either of Stevie or Nando are injured. United have four £30m strikers to call on; we have Lucas Leiva.

Q. There aren’t any (obvious) references to football in your music, are you trying to hide your passion?

I've thought up a few mentions before, but it's always seemed too gimmicky and not right for the song. Half Man Half Biscuit are lyrical heroes of mine though, and if I could write a football song as good as 'Mathematically Safe' or 'Bob Wilson, Anchorman' I'd be singing it everywhere. "If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides..."

Q. Last time we spoke you were playing a bit, are you still?

I've just started playing 5-a-side again after I injured my knee playing a few months ago and had a little trip to A&E. I've had to give up Sunday League for now, sadly, as I'm too unreliable at weekends, always off playing gigs or visiting friends. I'd love to get playing 11-a-side again.

Q. You’re planning a move to Sweden soon, have you chosen a team?

I'm moving to Stockholm in June, yeah. When I was there last year, I was sat in a bar watching a Bundesliga game when these two impressively drunk chaps in club shirts and scarves sat down next to me, having obviously returned from a match. While one of them fell asleep in his beer, the other proclaimed proudly that his Hammarby were the greatest club in the city; historically the club of the working-class in the south. We chatted about Swedish football and Liverpool a bit before they pair were sadly thrown out, but I decided right then I'd go along and see what Hammarby are like when I get there.

Q. And finally, Liverpool?

The most successful English club of all time. I'll keep saying it now, as United will very probably equal 18 league titles in May. Bah.

What Would We Do If...

2009-02-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

...we had to decide if Andy Murray will ever win a Grand Slam.

Paul Morris: I’m not going to pretend to know much about tennis, but his recent success suggests he’s on course for a major sometime this year. Yet when I watch Murray I’m just in genuine disbelief at how much he’s already achieved. He appears to adopt a style not too dissimilar to how I play tennis: just get it over the net and let the other bastard make the mistake. Now I’m not knocking this technique, as it seems to have the same effect against members of the ATP as it does the ‘tard I play. However, Murray’s extremely defensive baseline tactics are almost offensive when we see Rog and Rafa tear it up every other month.

I could bang on about his general attitude and (lack of) personality for hours but three words sum it up pretty definitively: miserable Scottish twat.

Stephen Pietrzykowski: If Andy Murray were born south of the border, opinions of him would change a little. While it's undoubtedly true that he's sour faced and consistently unimpressed, if we were to project these attributes on to an English sportsman the contradictions in our judgment would be apparent. We'd be celebrating necessary grit and focus in an increasingly competitive game, rather than condenming him for lack of grace and gratitude. He's not playing to national type, it's being imposed upon him and that's to our detriment, not his.

Murray will win a Grand Slam. His exponential improvement over the last year shows that an inevitability and his record over supposedly the 'best player ever' is proof of this if needed. How he defeats good old fashioned English prejudice however is another matter entirely.

Kevin O’Neill: Though I pulled the Scottish card last time to claim objectivity, this time I'm denying it for the same reason. I don't have a patriotic chubby for the lad, but I feel confident in saying that Andy Murray will definitely win a grand slam. I'd prefer it if it wasn't Wimbledon; let him have the Australian or the US (I'd rather Nadal wins the French until the day he dies, also). Murray has the ability and the spirit to compete with the best of them. What he doesn't have right now is the physical side or the discipline. His fitness and strength are improving, and within a couple of years, he'll get the formula right.

Ryan Taylor: I fucking loathe tennis. My hatred was sealed when, having for some unknown reason agreed to work at Wimbledon, I was sacked about half way though the tournament. I was up until then working as a porter, or more accurately a gimp with a stack truck and a lot of overpriced strawberries to ferry.

Though my point is this. This was the mid nineties and serial quarter final botherer Tim Henman had the place in raptures. The height of Henmania if you will, about a year or two before the fickle tossers switched to Rusedski Ridge for a brief spell before coming back to the smirky twat until he retired empty handed to sell washing powder full time.

You'll miss him when he's gone they used to say. And BOOM! along comes this Scottish upstart with a lobotomy and unnerving disregard for self worth and Timothy is a distant memory. We have A New Hope. Someone to pin those dreams upon, someone to hold a torch for for ten agonising days until he meets a good tennis player or someone in form. It’s the experts that come out of the woodwork for those two weeks that really irk me.

If You Read One Article This Week...

2009-02-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

...make it Behind the Scenes on FA Cup Matchday with Setanta.

Photograph: Christian Sinibaldi/Guardian

I've always been fascinated by the theory behind television coverage of football. The philosophy of televising a game can go one of two ways: 1) mimetic representation 2) ultimate representation.

1) The idea of mimetic representation is that it attempts to provide a faithful, authentic replica of the experience of attending a live football match. This is the classic model. The fundamental feature of this is the gantry perspective. Where is the best seat in the stadium to watch a match? Bang on the half-way line, maybe three-quarters of the way up the stand. It was a logical move for this to become the default angle for television coverage. It covers as much of the pitch from a vantage that's physically easy to access. Simple geometry!

What's interesting is that the gantry angle never switches sides. Obviously this would involve setting up cameras on both sides of the pitch, which is an extravagance, but at no point that I'm aware of in the explosion of football coverage has anyone ever attempted this. It may be pointless to have a flip/reverse gantry option, but most matches have cameras on either side of the touchline. Is that really necessary? What this points to is the desire to maintain authenticity. Every football fan knows that the teams swap sides at half-time, and so television coverage represents this switch.

I've discussed the philosophy I think lies behind the gantry perspective. But few football matches now, especially in the top leagues, are covered with just one camera. The rudimentary diagram to the right (thanks, Photobooth!) shows what I think are the basic principles of covering a football match. You've got the gantry camera (1), two cameras behind each goal (2/3), then I've been generous and allowed for two cameras on the touchline, one on each half (4/5/6/7). If we're being stingy, we could squeeze this down into two touchline cameras, on the half-way line (8/9). There are probably lots of variations on this, but I think this gets the idea across.

OK, so you're the director of a team of seven cameraman, and you're covering a live football match. How do you mediate all of this? When do you decide to jump to close-up shots? Can I just use the gantry camera for 90 minutes? Help! This is why the Guardian article is so interesting. Directing a football match, especially a live one, is an insanely complicated job. It's an art form. You're creating what will hopefully be a dramatic and suspenseful experience for millions of viewers. You're conducting an orchestra for a captive audience in pubs and homes around the country. Nuff respect to the man/woman who takes on this job. (Incidentally, Mikey Stafford's article points out that you probably benefit from being an ex-footballer if you want to be involved in this field.)

To elaborate on this a bit, let's watch a brief clip: Shunsuke Nakamura's goal against Rangers from an Old Firm derby last season (Yes, I'm a Celtic fan. No, this isn't shameless. Also, while I'm here, I might as well recommend watching it via Quietube - this lovely little bookmarklet removes all the crap from a Youtube page to let you watch in peace.).

0.00 - 0.03: gantry shot of some passing along the Celtic back line. This is your basic shot.

0.04 - 0.07: switches to a touch-line shot of Gary Caldwell receiving a pass, taking stock of his options, and lofting a ball forward. Why did the director choose to switch to a close-up here? The action was in Celtic's half, with the defence. What were the risks? Minimal. What were the potential benefits? A bit of texture, on the off-chance that Caldwell's pass might lead to something positive. And it did! Good work, director. I'm not sure these sort of cuts are welcome in football - too often, I'm shouting "JUST SHOW US THE GAME!" at the TV, but there are times when it works OK, like here.

0.08 - 0.12: back to the gantry angle for one of the sweetest goals in history. We get the traditional vantage point for this, which is appropriate as we're all sharing in the same experience, and it's in the traditional codification of the 'fans angle'. There are those horrible moments when we see a goal via a close-up first, and it causes dissonance. Have we watched a replay by mistake? Who hit that? What was going on? The gantry angle leaves everything neutral, the perfect medium for us to enjoy the action.

0.13 - 0.17: cut to a touch-line focus on Nakamura as he reels away to celebrate. The classic post-goal shot.

0.18 - 0.27: the benefit of extra cameras; we get more of the 'story' this way, seeing Nakamura face-on as he yanks on his badge with Celtic Pride.

And so on. The replays give more on the luxuries extra cameras afford, but the twenty-seven seconds above show the intricacies of mimetic representation. Just to finish up, it's worth noting that the mimetic mode only gives the 'luxury' angles during replays. You won't get a shot from the opposite touchline, or an angle from above the goal during the live action. These features are reserved for when the ball is out of play, so to speak, so as not to disrupt the realism of the presentation.

* * *

2) Ultimate representation, then, is a style of coverage that takes advantage of the technological advances of the last decade. More specifically, it foregrounds how it uses this technology. The director of this style of coverage breaks with the codes of mimetic representation, embraces the pleasure of the text, if you will.

The apotheosis of this was the Champion's League final a couple of years ago, between Porto and Monaco. I can't find any footage of it, unfortunately, but they had a Matrix-effect set-up where they had multiple cameras positioned so that they could pause a reply and spin around behind a player. It was pretty flash, but as the guy says in his blog post, pretty useless.

Watching the Milan derby on BBC Three this Sunday, we had the usual range of camera angles, with a bonus one that is best imagined as a toy-helicopter camera. The majority of the action was covered using the mimetic mode, but every now and then we'd get this floating swoop across the pitch. This angle comes from a gyroscopic camera on wires, that hangs above the pitch and can give some incredible shots. You can catch a glimpse of it in the first two seconds of this clip. It was pretty disorienting, as you don't expect to get given such freedom of viewing within the real-time flow of the game.

They used it for free-kicks a lot, and the effect you get is that you're virtually standing right behind Pirlo as he gets ready to strike the ball. It's useful for giving you an idea of the kicker's chances, but it takes you outside of your comfort zone. But perhaps this is the future of television coverage!

The question comes down to (and this is where you get involved, Badgekissers readers) whether or not we want to maintain the pretense that watching a match on TV should replicate the experience of watching it in a stadium. Should we have the same limitations and restraints that are involved in that experience? Or should TV take advantage of the possibilities of technology and give us a fully immersive feast for our senses, getting as close to the action as possible?

What would we do if

2009-02-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

we could choose the England captain?

I’m hopeful that what would we do if... might become a regular feature. One of us will set a question and I’ll post our collective answers up. The plan was to have them a bit more topical than this fledgling effort. Still its a classic debate hotly contested in pubs that it's not frowned upon to get change from a £1 up down the country.

The most important thing to say is that we were universal in our decision that the current incumbent doesn’t warrant his position. Moreover there were doubts as to whether he should be in the team given current form, his and that of others.

Caspar Salmon: Rio Ferdinand. Aside from his knowledge of the game and obvious interest in matters of strategy and football history - as evidenced by his insightful editorship of Observer Sport Monthly this weekend; apart from the obvious socio-political impact of having a black English football captain; besides his commanding affection and respect from the other players and being a world-admired defender; beyond all this, it would be a thing of wonder to have a rubber-lipped freak fronting the English team. We could get him to grow his hair out again, and perform a Haka-like dance with Peter Crouch before every match to freak the shit out of every opponent. Just a thought.

Kevin O’Neill: Gareth Barry should be the England captain. Being a Scot, and an Irish-Italian one, at that, I've got no sentiment of any kind for your national team. So you know my opinion counts more than the other jokers on here - Caspar is about as French as I am. Barry is a solid professional and by all accounts a decent guy, more than I can say for the other main candidates, Gerrard and Terry. You'll never see Barry dive or hassle a referee to book an opponent. He's weathered a difficult transfer saga (Liverpool stirring things up, surely not?) and come out the other side still a top performer for his club. He's even earned back the captaincy he lost after Liverpool's game of silly-buggers. Barry for El Capitan!

Ryan Taylor: Jimmy Bullard. OK so I might not be entirely serious with this suggestion. But I’ve thought about all the potential candidates and I honestly don’t think that there is an outstanding captain in and around the squad. It pains me to say it as self confessed Liverpool ‘hater’ but Steven Gerrard is the heir apparent to the captaincy. If only he’d be as passionate for England as he is for miraculously digging Bentiez out of the shit (or even half as passionate he is about Phil Collins). The non too serious point about Bullard though is that he is almost unique in football in that he posses a personality, an infectious positive influence that impacts on those around him. Sounds like the trait of a captain to me. The perfect antidote to the charisma free inhabitants of the post since…psycho?

Paul Morris: Steven Gerrard. “Obvious choice”, I hear you shout. Hells yeah! And there’s a friggin’ reason why. Any England fan with an ounce of patriotism would give his right nut (statistics suggest the left as the bigger, better nut) to see Stevie G perform like he does for Liverpool. These isles haven’t produced a midfielder of this strength, influence and ability since Bryan Robson finished bulldozing through the 80s. Despite the best efforts of Rafa’s questionable tactics and signings, Gerrard’s inspirational displays have just about kept Liverpool’s heads above the water. Affording him the same role and responsibility nationally as he has domestically will fill him with the self-belief that has been sorely lacking from the majority of his international appearances. Due to past on the field (diving, two-footed tackles) and off the field (bar brawls, Phil Collins) indiscretions his position as a national role model is somewhat questionable. Surprisingly, being a Scouser isn’t a good enough excuse anymore. But I think we’d all let him regularly donkey punch senior citizens if he gave us magical moments akin to Istanbul and the 2006 FA Cup Final.

Of Football, Faith and Fighting

2009-02-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

I’m going to psych you here. Watch out, because you’re going to get played like a fool. OK, here goes: think of a place that millions of people go to on Sunday, without fail, to sing songs of praise, and worship their deities. Eh? Eh? You said church, right? I told you I was going to trick you. I meant the football stadium! Can’t believe you fell for it.

Many commentators have drawn the perfectly obvious parallel between church and football support, and for good reason: even as C of E is deserted in droves by modern Britain’s broken society, lapsed Cathols and atheists and agnostics and Hindus and Muslims all over the shop continue to find other temples to donate their money and pledge their faith, and not just because they’d rather have a chicken pie than a wafer. That football is Britain’s religion is hardly a revelatory find.

I’m just interested, as an atheist and generally non-violent sports lover, in ways that a rational person can be a football supporter – and I suppose I mean a Premiership supporter, especially. If that makes you angry, consider how cross religious people get when their ardour is called into question. What do you love about your team (whose management, squad and perhaps ground may have changed so much in your lifetime that they are virtually unrecognisable)? Do you hail from the city that you support? Were you indoctrinated, i.e. did your father tell you what team to support and did you blindly follow him? Do you like the Sunday rituals – the songs, the scores, the food, the outfits? When your team play badly, would you still like them to have won the match? These are not logical, easily explicable behaviours – and they pertain to a religious way of thinking.

An argument to the contrary that I sometimes hear goes along the lines of football being like music, or art: something not easily explainable, but which transports you out of yourself, which appeals to the senses somehow, which corresponds to certain sensibilities. But this is to ignore the competitive nature of sport: don’t forget that your team is there to beat another team, and once you’ve defeated them, you’ll probably sing gloating songs of one-upmanship about Sheffield women being shit in bed. This isn’t what your average concert-goer gets from Tchaikovsky. No-one loses in The Beatles (apart from Ringo, I suppose).

Like all religious movements, football’s appeal is predicated on hatred and violence: it finds its greatest expression in Britain, where feudal divisions and a generally roustabout attitude inherited from the Vikings are well catered for in a classic derby. These are also things that religion picked up on when the Catholics brought it here: look at all those turreted church spires across the land, whence villages fired arrows at other villages, and you see how religion often centred on inter-communal fights. And so to hooliganism. Incidentally, I think everyone has the potential to be a hooligan: something in one’s blood that is not rational or noble is stirred up, bullfightlike, by football. Ah, how well I remember taking over the streets of Paris with the baying masses after France’s victory over Spain in 2006! Along with about twenty other people, I shook a whole car with passengers inside it, banging on the roof, screaming my head off, like a lunatic pagan. If some Dago had arrived at that point to tell me that Zidane wasn’t worth a peseta, I think I might have done him/her some serious harm.

So: football appeals to a base instinct for fighting, and an even lower instinct for the solace of spiritual uplift. The two are well connected: the word ‘fanatic’ covers a sizable enough portion of religious folk that I need not stretch the parallel too much. So how can the football fan maintain a sense of rationality amid all this? This is actually pretty much a rhetorical question: I’d really like to know, and I’m not sure I have the answer. Think, though, of such wonderful sporting moments as Fratton Park giving Thierry Henry a standing ovation for his part in Arsenal’s 5-1 ass-whoop of Portsmouth in March 2004: the casting aside of partisanship, there, shows a real love of the game that goes beyond scraping a win against your enemies; an appreciation of football as spectacle – perhaps getting close to an artistic appreciation of it.

I'm privileged in not having grown up in England, and therefore not having an especially strong allegiance to one team - as a casual football fan, I get to ignore the scores at the weekend, and only watch the occasional match. Using the third person to talk about a team ("we beat Man Utd last week") is anathema to me, and not just because while Rooney et al were getting beaten, I was sitting on my arse eating toasties: it's because I'm still able to have no real emotional, or spiritual, connection to football. For this I give thanks to God every day.

Artsoccer - Youves

2009-02-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

This is the first in what might become a series of interviews with people from the music world, temporarily monikered Artsoccer, here we interview Stephen Broadze, lead singer and self appointed fashion icon of the excellent Youves (nee Mirror! Mirror!).

Q. So you’re raised in the Midlands between two West Midland powerhouses (Aston Villa and Coventry) and you end up a United fan, what went wrong?

I have family from Liverpool (Everton fans), Nuneaton (Coventry fans), Leicester (Leicester fans) - to me it makes perfect sense to support United. Besides, I am from Warwickshire not the West Midlands supporting Villa or Coventry was just not an option.

Q. I know Luke (the bassist) is also a red, are there any other affiliations in the band and do they cause friction?

Alex is an Aston Villa fan, there is no friction there because Villa never take 3 points from us & are never responsible for our rare premature cup exits. Mike is a Leeds fan, remember them? HAHA!

Q. You're a wannabe rock star and a red. Do you get prawn sandwiches on your back stage rider too?

Sadly not we get cheap beer & crisps, Mike gets Humus.

Q. More than openly liking football and having song title’s like Another Djemba-Djemba you tend to end up talking quite a lot about it on stage. I’ve only ever seen a muted reaction or shrugs from indie crowds, ever thought of giving up the football banter?

Not at all, it's a massive part of us & our charm. The reaction varies according to where we are & on the particular kind of show/club. When we played at New Slang in London just after Arsenal & Spurs drew 4-4 this season I asked if there were any Spurs fans & the place erupted, in came the Arsenal jokes. If I can get just one person in the audience to react to our football banter I am delighted, even when people don't it still amuses all of us. When we played in Leeds I told everyone there was a house party at Gary McCallister's house afterwards (he was manager of Leeds United at the time) and we had people come to ask us where it was, amazing.

Q. Not sounding like The Enemy or Oasis, Youves aren't really a band that would generally be associated with football. Do people in your 'scene' look at you weird when you start talking about the beautiful game?

People look at us weird whatever we do. But yes they are quite often baffled by it but we don't care. It's always nice to meet other bands who love football as much as we do like our friends Rolo Tomassi & Lesser Panda.

Q. I've noticed you cover some pretty bizarre subjects in your lyrics. Ever tried writing a football chant? Want to give it a go here?

Never tried that but it's definitely one for the future. I doubt I could top some of the Stretford End favourites though, some classic material I wouldn't be able to compete against.

Q. You played in the Big Scary Monsters 5-a-side tournament last summer but lost in the final. What went wrong?

I hate excuses for losing other than being beaten by a better team but firstly they scored two more goals than us. Secondly it was the hottest day of the year & we were a little dehydrated. We also think it had something to do with playing away from home. We won all of our games on pitch 3, the final was on pitch 1 where Punktastic played all of their games. We'll be back next year hopefully, and we will bring the trophy home.

Q. And finally, Fergie’s lost it, Neville’s over the hill, Ferdinand’s a muppet, Vidic is a fake hard man, Berbatov's disinterested, Carrick’s not good enough, Scholes and Giggs are too old, Ronaldo’s not playing as well as last season, Park, O’Shea and Fletcher wouldn’t get into any other top four teams, Tevez is off and Rooney’s fat, so is the treble on this year?

No not the treble, the quadruple. Don't forget the charity shield & world club cup, I can see 6 trophies this season.

His Name is Rio

2009-02-02T01:13:00.000-08:00

Rio Ferdinand guest-edited the Observer Sport Monthly this week. After reading about his soon-to-be-launched online lifestyle magazine, Rio, I was a bit uncertain of how the OSM would turn out.

It's actually pretty good.

Just in terms of the breadth of content, you get a really good article from author David Peace in which his son interviews Rio on Man Utd's trip to Japan; interviews with big sportspeople going back to their hometowns, like Ricky Hatton, Mark Foster, Kelly Smith; Rio interviewing Gordon Brown; a series of features on why Barack Obama's connection with sports is a good thing for America; a few other good features too, on academies and sporting development.

The David Peace article has four sections to it, and the last one is probably the best, as Peace describes taking his son to his first ever Man Utd game, at the World Club Cup. His son shouts for Ronaldo, adamant that he can hear him. Peace tries to convince his son that he should support Huddersfield Town. It's a nice little sketch of what football can mean for a family. Go read it.

The interviews Rio conducts, with Gordon Brown and Usain Bolt, give a picture of a decent guy. Both interviews are enjoyable, the banter between Rio and Bolt conveying an impression of a pair of down-to-earth sportsmen just enjoying the success they've had while still taking pleasure from the fact they're paid to do something they love. Rio and Gordon Brown are just a pair of football fans chatting shit, some references to the positive values that sport can give back to a community, but more interesting for their shared respect for Alex Ferguson, talking about home/away changing rooms, and Brown saying he couldn't understand as a kid that his dad clapped when an opposing team did something good.

So, Rio does a good job, I think. And I've come away with a much better opinion of him. Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups did a lot of damage to that, but I might be getting a bit of respect for him now.

Just to fill some more space, what about Rio's internet presences? His Super Cool Celebrity Fan Site:

This is probably a template site, not something a fan has actually set up. Probably.

His Myspace page gives a bit more value. Favourite film? Silence of the Lambs. Drink? Ribena. Of more interest to me, a three-part video series of When Rio Met Usher (actually one of my favourite musical artists right now; Love in this Club Part II? Incredible!). Rio and Usher's chat is a bit bland, but I like that he uses the time/position he has to do cool stuff like this as well as starting up football academies in Uganda. And meeting P Diddy.

Expect more posts about Rio Ferdinand's media adventures at some point in the future.

Until then, there should be some actual football-related updates from Ryan and the boys soon.

Edit: I chose the title for this post before seeing this one. Promise!